“You need better friends! I’ll be there.” That is what she said to me. It changed my perspective and can change yours. Together we can do the same for others.
Do you have the friends you deserve? What do you deserve? Not everyone has a “ride or die”. The have a “ride and bye”.
Smoothie Girl With a Mirror
In the Fem Friday Feature we did on Debbie Harry from Blondie there was a real life moment so profound that an adaptation is in the upcoming novel “Hearts of Glass Living in the Real World.”
For about a year I had known the girl who worked at the Orange Julius while I was working at the mall. I was addicted to Sunshine Orange smoothies and looked forward to talking to her. I had a crush on her but my insecurities made it impossible for me to pick up on the cues she was interested too. When you are surrounded by friends that belittle you it is easy to miss positive cues.
One day she came to the clothing store I worked at. In the article I tell the tale of how she was fishing to see if I had a girlfriend and what I was up to that weekend. Missing the cue, yet again, I told her I had a VIP modeling gig that weekend for Marshall Field’s department store.
She thought it was amazing that I modeled on the side and wanted to come to the show. I told her I got comps for the show and where she could get them in my name. I had mentioned that I was not using them. The truth was, I never used them.
From the article we had the following exchange that sticks with me and made it to the book.
“How come your friends don’t know you do something cool like that?” she asked.
“They make fun of me.” I said. “And I like doing it and all the models and staff and people at the shows are nice. I don’t want it ruined.”
“You need better friends! I’ll be there! Here’s my number. Call me! ”
She was right, and she still is. And you might need better friends too.
Bad Friends Back in the Day
It is so weird to read posts from people on social media from some of my former cliques talk about how they were so glad they were part of groups where everyone was welcome and no one was bullied. They were in the inner circle while I was talking to a kid in stage crew about reasons why he should not kill himself and a girl who struggled with an eating disorder who wanted to die too. One was made fun of for being quiet and socially awkward and the other was made fun of because she modeled and was skinny and therefore must be a bitch or slut or stuck up.
They were merely two of many I knew on the outs of the groups that accepted everyone. One went on to serve our country for decades and the other has had a wondrous life that has had problems but also includes being one of the most amazing mothers and kindest people I know in this world. But the wounds of not belonging still linger and we all still sometimes find we need better friends.
Kathy was right. I needed better friends and they were right in front of me, but I still yearned for the approval of lessor friends. The unkind. The toxic. Earned love based on horrific standards meant more to me than the unconditional love freely offered.
The Perfection in Front of Me
When I was in high school I could not wait to get out of school, out of the clubs and teams I was in, and the church I went to. I wanted to be at work, in Chicago with my camera taking street snaps, or with some dear friends in the Madison Wisconsin area. The other place I wanted to be was home.
What did all of these spaces have in common? I could be myself. I did not know exactly what that was, but I knew I could take off the mask, stop pretending, cease living on the standard of pain avoidance, and just be…whatever that was.
Often I thought I did not have friends, but I did, and they were right in front of me. I also thought I had no family because my mom and dad were so very fucked up, but my grandparents and my uncle were there loving me as I was.
Being There
Kathy was there for my show. For the first time I had someone at the edge of the runway for me. When I was in high school my grandfather was there too. Meets, plays, tournaments, etc. There were others who were there and I could call them.
The ones who are there we do not have to beg and they never leverage the times they were there for you as a weapon to get you to do their bidding and fit into their box.
You deserve people in your life who will be there and not weaponize their presence, but cherish yours.
Signs! Steps! Effects! Aftershocks!
This is not an exhaustive list but here are some signs of a need for better friends:
- Constant Criticism
- Teases or Insults You Regularly
- Lack of Support/Never Listens
- Lack of Empathy
- Manipulative Behaviors/Treats You Differently When Others Are Around
What to do when you learn you need a better friend?
- Recognize it and Say it Out Loud to Yourself (this is not a good friend and I deserve better)
- Set Firm Boundaries (they cannot say that, do that, to me)
- Decrease Contact (not every text needs to be answered, snooze on social media, etc)
- Be Clear and Decisive About What You Deserve Because You Need Better Friends and Deserve Them
- Seek Support From the Ones Who Are There (or a therapist)
What is at stake?
- Decreased Self Esteem (you will think less of yourself)
- Increased Stress (feeling not good enough and performing for others is exhausting)
- Decreased Physical Health (blood pressure, digestive issues, weakened immunity)
- Increased Isolation (it’s lonely to be surrounded by people who do not see you)
- Distrust in Others (you may miss the cues that someone thinks you are wonderful as you are)
What do you do now that you know you need better friends?
- Reflect on the Experience Seeing that you Matter
- Reconnect With Yourself Without the Mask on and the Ever Present Fear Gone
- Get into that Self Care (enjoy that stuff you had to do in secret that makes you happy-you earned it!)
- Make New Friends (this is hard, but people are still there for each other)
- Be Your Best Friend (this is hard too and it takes time. When you’re kind to you, its easier to walk away!)
Can I Fix It?
Sometimes. But both people have to be interested in fixing it. If you try to express how you feel and they tell you that is not what is happening, that is sometimes something very dangerous called gaslighting. It is a control and a manipulation. If they do that you may start to believe them. If they dismiss your concerns, remind you of all the things they did for you as if you owe them, or start telling you what others might think to invoke shame by peer pressure, you may need to walk away…to cut off the arm to save the body. It takes courage and courage takes time to build.
Recently I was in a situation where I had a disagreement with a friend online. I tried to clarify why I felt the way I did about the matter. How it made me feel and why. How it is demonstrably harmful to children of abuse or addicts. I was very intentional in separating the issue from the person and personality.
The person did not speak of the issue, they spoke of comparing me to a fundamentalist and told me what others might think of me and I could lose people in her group and may already be losing them. I heard this speech from her and her fiends in the 80s. Back then I tucked my tail between my legs, complied, and shut up secretly hating myself for expressing my hurts and fears. Now that I know better I called it out and ended the conversation with a boundary that was clear about not accepting personal insults or the leverage of peer pressure at middle age. This has taken a lifetime to reach this and I still do not get it right all the time, but here is a method.
Maya Angelou’s Courage Muscle
Doctor Maya Angelou is often quoted for saying, “To develop courage you have to start as you do any other muscle. You have to start with small things and build it up.”
That above quote fits on a meme, but there is so much more to it. Something that can change you if you follow it. She goes on to say:
“You’re not born with courage, but you develop it. Try to develop your courage with smaller things. If someone wants to pick up 100 lbs, they start by picking up 5 lbs, and then build up their muscles. It’s the same with courage.
One way to develop courage is to not entertain company who debase you. Don’t laugh at someone who is laughing at you or putting you down. Take offense. When someone says ‘I hope you won’t be offended,’ then you probably will be.
Whether you’re black, white, Asian or any race, don’t let pejoratives be used around you; just leave. Otherwise, you will have participated in bringing someone else down. You don’t need to say why you’re leaving — say you’re on your way to Bangkok or something.
Do little things that make you proud of yourself. If you want to cook, then cook. If you want to start exercising, don’t try to walk 10 miles; walk three blocks. If you want to read, take the time to do so. If you want to learn a new language, get a book or audio cassette to help you. No one has to know or see what you’re doing. You will like yourself more when you have a few victories under your belt.
Once you have a few victories under your belt, you will realize that you are worth it. That’s how you become powerful, by building yourself up through small victories.”
Hearts of Glass and Small Acts of Courage
“Hearts of Glass Living in the Real World” is about small acts of courage by some teenagers in the late 80’s. The small acts of courage while surrounded by toxic friends, partners, and authority figures. And the difference those small acts of courage can mean.
You can not only enjoy that inspiring story, but help others. When you go to the Indiegogo to get advance copies and perks, you make it possible for teens and young adults living or receiving services from Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault shelters.
Together, we can tell some precious people, “You need better friends, I’ll be there!”
Please allow yourself a good story and help us tell someone in hell they matter! Go to the Indiegogo and tell a friend to go as well at https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/be-part-of-the-hearts-of-glass-story-and-mission/x/38415051#/
Stay Totally Awesome!
Stay True to You!
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