Unapologetic: Navigating Life As An Inspirational Madonna Fan

Has Madonna faced undue criticism her entire life? Did being unapologetic about herself inspire her fans? Would an inspired fan become unapologetic and inspire others? If we are talking about Madonna and Heather, the answer is yes!

Fem Friday articles are the most popular at Gen X Watch. One of the most popular of those is “When Material Girls Make a Rule”. In it we not only celebrated Madonna’s influence as a powerful woman, but we introduced you to a woman named Heather.

Heather was a teenager and Madonna fan who found herself homeless in a Mall. Her crime? Being bisexual and bullied by religious teens from her mom’s church. I was there and tried to help Heather, but not knowing how. I took her to my home and learned of how bad the abuse was at the hands of her mom and step dad.

We would share beautiful and scary moments in my bedroom and then find her father. We drove 150 miles where she started a new life with a man she had not seen in a decade.

Her story inspired many readers and led to great discussions in the comments. Many of you wanted to know what happened next and if she was okay. So I reached out to her and she agreed to an interview.

Madonna’s critics do not judge her on the merits of her music, decades of top sales, awards, and charting hits on Billboard and at the box office. They judge her for her appearance, her sexual values, support of the LGBTQIA+ fans, her partners, her clothing, and a great many other things. As they look at her career over the decades it is less about the evolution of her music and constantly reinventing and growing her depth as an artist, it is her facial changes and clothing choices. Even now she is facing misogyny and ageism in the wake of plastic surgery. They are talking about that as opposed to her recent album release and sell out tour.

Through it all, Madonna has never wavered on being herself. Even early in her career her response to the critics was fierce and unwavering. She knew who she was and was not going to back down. Beyond the fashion and the music, that attitude is what drives many of her fans to be her fans .

I remember one day my mother come to visit me and my grandparents. She was still married to my abuser so I had little interest in talking to her. My grandmother, by my request, ensured I was not alone with my mom. When my mom demanded I come home with her I tuned out and turned on MTV. A Madonna video was playing.

My mom looked at the screen and said, “Look at her. Showing her bra strap and dancing like a whore.”

My grandmother did not miss a beat. “At least they’re wearing bras again, Carol. If you’re going to try to take Pat back to that hell and shit on the things that make him happy, it’s time for you to go.”

Shortly after my mom left my grandmother told me she loved seeing Madonna and Cyndi Lauper on Carson.

“If women are ever going to have a chance, it’s happening because of them.” Did I mention that my grandmother was a feminist and a liberal? She was.

Heather and I have not seen each other since 2015. She was living in Denver at the time and I was in a long distance relationship with a woman who lived near Denver. My girlfriend worked at a school so I would have free time to see Heather and other people I knew in the area.

Overall we have stayed in touch over the years. From 1995 through 2010 she would cease conversation with me, but we would slowly restore our friendship. More on that later.

Over 1600 miles of distance and her refusal to go to DuPage County, Illinois ever again made this overdue reunion virtual. I wanted to start off the conversation light so I donned a members only jacket and ray ban sunglasses for our video chat. She was wearing ray bans and rocking an 80’s Madonna top with lace gloves and mussed hair. We laughed, caught up a little, and started the interview.

We used speech to text software to make transcribing easier, and for reasons that will be made clear, I gave her full control over what is and is not in the interview.

ME: So how do you want to start this?

Heather: Lets do the reader questions first so we don’t run out of time.

ME: Okay. The first one is not a question, but a statement.

“As horrible as the story was, I felt for you because I can relate to the toxic mother. If the story were fictional, I would envy the grand adventure. Most of all, I was so relieved that you had your dad to go to. I don’t have any specific questions, I just wanted to know more about you. I would’ve loved to have you as a pen pal back in the day to share my secrets with and to enjoy small tokens in the mail. I wrote letters and would include a piece of wrapped gum frequently. Sometimes little homemade bracelets or some such. Letter writing was better than journaling because a friend would be there to read it.”

Heather: That is so sweet! I don’t know how to respond. I think that may be my first ever fan letter? I don’t know anything about you, but friends like that when I was young would have been really nice.

But there’s not much to envy. The grand adventure you read was honestly one of the scariest times in my life. Yeah, I had Pat. But I had known him for a few hours and was terrified of where I would end up and even more terrified to go back. So if there is a takeaway I could give you, don’t compare yourself to others or envy anyone. Because what you see may be something else for the person living it. (long pause) How was that?

ME: That was great. Now to the questions.

“How was Heather when you checked in on her a few days later? “

Heather: Terrified and relived to see Pat again. I only knew him for a few days, but he was the only friend I had that I felt I could talk to. I knew that if things with my dad were not good, he would take me somewhere else. That was a weird level of trust, but I did not have options. We necked a lot when he came over. I needed the outlet and he already proved he respected the line.

ME: “How does she feel about her sexuality now?”

Heather: Next.

ME: Why?

Heather: It’s not a good question.

ME: Fair. Instead of answering the question, can you tell me why it is not a good question?

Heather: (takes a deep breath) What is your blood type?

ME: O positive.

Heather: How do you feel about that? Have you come to terms with that Pat? Do you accept your O pos-ness?

ME: But what about acceptance of self? Doesn’t that matter?

Heather: But strait people focus too much on that. We need to have a conversation about it being 2024 and we are still questioning the validity of my sexuality. We are hurting children and hoping they come to terms with it.

If we moved past this bs as a society children and my dad would not have to live in closets or feel shame. The shame and the lack of acceptance has nothing to do with us, it has to do with the wrong conversations and the wrong questions. Remove shame and a kid can just say, I like girls or my gender is boy and not girl. And if society treated that like it treats blood type the kid would be fine. I would have been fine. My dads would have been fine!

ME: “Is she still a big Madonna fan?”

Heather: Yes. But I do not cosplay as her anymore. But I needed that at the time. When you do not have a sense of self in adolescence, a model that reflects the attributes you aspire to is important. The look enabled me to embrace the spirit.

I absolutely love seeing the younger generations in cosplay at conventions. I get it. They are embodying something they want to be, and at the point they dress the role, they become it and find their own path. But to my modern fan love of her. I think it is important to celebrate women my age and even older who are still active in their careers and pushing the envelope. It’s also important to keep listening to new music too. I’m a Swiftie, for instance. But I also like a lot of other stuff.

ME: “My questions are pretty basic – what happened next? Did she find safety and peace with her Dad in Madison? What did she do next after high school?”

Heather: This is not basic at all. This is a lot. Yes. My dad and I found a beautiful and heathy relationship but it was rocky. I had not seen him since I was a little girl and my mom created this horrible idea of him. Even though I was a victim of her abuse too, it took some time to unravel the lies and learn who he was.

He felt a lot of guilt for not fighting harder for me, but we have to be real about the chance a gay man in the late 70s would have in a custody battle. I don’t just have my dad. I have my dads. They were-and still are-a huge part in my healing and my life.

I did not go to a conventional high school when I came in with them. The idea of high school was terrifying. My dad was afraid a GED would be too limiting, so he enrolled me in a high school completion program at UW Madison. Some of those classes applied to college credits. I fast tracked my way to a BA and had my masters at 22. I hit the ground running with a law firm in Madison doing PR and that led to a few companies over the years. Now I do events promoting and PR for a museum.

I got married to a woman. It did not last very long. She became abusive and after all I had been through, I was never going back to that kind of life again. No kids, but I have a cat. He’s a jerk but I love him.

I volunteer with a local PRIDE group where I live that helps queer kids and their families.

Oh! Pat asked me to be his girlfriend once. I said no. The kissing was fun but the church stuff scared me.

I’m not sure what else to say? That’s sort of my life, but it sounds boring but it’s not. But sometimes it is. We are more than our company bio page and our LinkedIn, but how to sum up almost 4 decades? Hope I answered your question enough.

ME: “Did you ever reconnect with your mom?”

Heather: No. My mother and her husband are powerful people in that area. To this day they still have influence, power, and money. And that level of power and money connected to certain religious and political factions is dangerous. What happened in the mall was her venting because she was embarrassed in the store. I would have begged a few days later, been allowed back home, and beaten again-and again.

That’s how I’ve always thought it would have played out. But my leaving upset the apple cart. After a few weeks people wondered where I was at. I do not remember the cover story, but my jezebel spirit forced them to protect the family and have me removed from their house.

She did find out I was with my dad and she called him and made a threat. He hung up on her and that was the last he heard of her. I don’t even go back to that entire county, let alone Naperville. It’s a horrible place. I’ve had to go to Chicago on business a few times and I do not leave the city.

Some people keep coming back to abusive families hoping things will change. It doesn’t. And I’m not missing anything. I have my dads. They never laid a hand on me or spoke a cruel word.

I remember one time I was talking to Pat and I told him I was thinking about reaching out to her. Pat just said, “Go where the love is. There’s no love there.” He was right and I wish more people knew that.

ME: Does faith still play a role in her life?

Heather: Faith?

ME: Faith.

Heather: I want to say next to this one too. But I’ll take a stab at it. Yes. Faith is still a part of my life. The faith of others destroyed me. Faith was never a part of my life in any good way as a child and a teenager and a young woman. Faith was the reason I was beaten. Faith was the reason I was made to feel shame in my life. Faith was what was used to cover up sexual assault by one of the guys in that horrible church in Naperville.

And as a young bi girl in Madison Wisconsin with 2 dads? Faith got even more deadly. My dad was sometimes beaten by Madison cops who were driven by faith. Jesus I still remember squads behind us the entire way home from Piggly Wiggly. Right up on his ass waiting for my dad to not come to a complete stop or use a signal. One time they broke his taillight, and then his ribs. Then they gave him a ticket for the broken taillight and they were pillars of the community and in the papers for their faith and their good deeds in their churches.

The faith of others plays a role in my life. Every law that restricts what I can and cannot do to my body. Every right that is stripped away. Every new law that reject the queerness of people I love.

My spiritual beliefs? I have them. It’s personal. I wish it was personal for others too. If it was more personal less people would be hurt by faith.

ME: I have one more question from a reader. “What’s her favorite dinosaur?”

Heather: Rexy!

Me: What?

Heather: That is the T-rex in the Jurassic Park movies. Her name is Rexy! I love Rexy! Rexy needs her own franchise. Rexy and Jeff Goldblum could just run around as a duo doing anything and I would watch that.

Thank you for that question! That was the best question anyone has asked me and it made me happy!

Heather called me the next day to tell me that after she slept on it, she could not do that first interview and to scrap the whole thing after the reader questions. I said sure. I can kill the whole thing. She said I did not understand. She did not want to not do the interview. She wanted to do it on her terms. So we got back on video and we re recorded and this is what happened.

“When you wrote that article I felt exposed. I took the day off and went to a park. So much that I had not thought about in years was flooding back to me.

I called my dad and told him about the article. He asked where he could find it so I texted him the link. I could hear him reading it and-you know my dad-everything is fabulous! And that was not what I wanted to hear. Then he started crying and telling me he was printing a copy of this because he had the story of how I came back into his life. Then he told me that that he was right about you. That you would come back to us.”

“Pat. He reads every article you write. I don’t even have to read them anymore. He tells me about them all. Especially the Fridays. And with those he asks me if I knew about this one or met that one. And that comes to my first question to you, Mr Green!”

“You introduced me to Cassie. She had dinner with me and my dads. Why didn’t you include that? Your readers would have loved the connection!”

I had to pause. “I’d forgotten about that. She loved our road trip to Madison to meet you and your dads. Honestly, if I’d remembered I would have included it.”

“I have a unique connection to this, Pat. I don’t know all of them you write about. But Dawn, Cassie, and Sarah. I knew Dawn, I met Cassie, and I heard all about Sarah. I also know some of the others you’re planning on. And I have some thoughts and questions.”

“Hey!” I said, “This is my interview of you.”

“Not anymore.”

Heather: The Summer after you and Cassie broke up. You were called into ministry. What did that look like?

ME: I was back at Living Water church. They had a new youth pastor. He paid my way to go to a young adult bible camp. 2 weeks. When I got there they went through my stuff. They took my smokes and the pain killers I was addicted to. They told me that because of these I had to be in separated from the other kids. I was made to fast in dedication to god. I also had to show fidelity to the holy spirit by praying at odd hours. So I was having withdrawals, sleep deprived, isolated, confined, and malnourished. So of course I heard god speak to me. I was called into ministry.

Heather: And you had acceptance and belonging and direction. Next question. What happened after Sarah died?

ME: I didn’t tell the readers she died, just the Patreons. We may have to cut this one.

Heather: Hi Readers! Heather here breaking the 4th wall. Sarah from the Joan Jett article died in a car accident the day after thanksgiving. Pat fell hard and fast for her. It’s what he does. He was ready to leave Bible college at the end of the semester and get a degree in journalism in Ohio. He and Sarah were going to live in that little studio together. But Sarah died. A month before the big move. It broke Pat and I had never seen him so broken and then, almost overnight, he was fine, dating a Christian girl and working in a church. And he changed and tried to convert me to Christ. It terrified me. He terrified me.

So what happened?

ME: It’s a blur. I remember telling a pastor or a professor about how hard I prayed in the hospital for her to be healed. And there was some bullshit about demons and spiritual warfare and the next thing I know I am in Christian counseling rededicated my life to Christ, got baptized again. The Christian counselor? I was dealing with someone NOT actually trained in psychology. Christian counselors are dangerous as fuck. I had to date a godly woman so I court and date and marry her and next thing you know I am a youth pastor.

Heather: And you changed. I hated you.(she paused, held back some tears, took a deep breath) My dad wouldn’t let me hate you. He kept telling me you were good and it felt like a broken record. My dad was Luke Skywalker saying there is still good in Vader and I’m like-no. Pat’s dead. There’s only this republican youth pastor. Twisted and evil and he thinks we’re sinners. He kept saying no. Something else is happening. They did something to him. It hurt so much to lose my best friend.

ME: I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you or anyone. But I hurt a lot of people. Is there a question here?

Heather: Were you brain washed and manipulated?

ME: Yes.

Heather: Did it lead to more mental health issues?

ME: Yes.

Heather: The lies you told. The sermons you gave. The people you hurt. The mistakes you made. Can’t you see that it wasn’t all you? You were not in complete control of you. Do you understand that, Pat?

ME: But where is the line between the brainwashing and the personal responsibility for my actions?

Heather: I don’t know, Pat. I know that when your child came out, you stepped up. I know that you’re nickname is fatherman. I know when you tried to end it all that it was guilt. You saw yourself as a monster. These last few years you have stepped up and you have worked so hard to be the man you are today and the man my dad always knew you already were. Everything my dad thought about you and knew about you was right. So here is the next question.

You came out of an impossible situation and survived. When are you ever going to give yourself credit for what you have done? Now this is a two parter. And when will you give yourself credit for being just as amazing as these women you write about? Because I see you speak of the wonder of us and when people try to tell you that your were brave or kind you hold that at arm’s length. So now it is a three parter. When do you admit that you are totally awesome and true to you?

ME: I don’t see that yet. Not in the way you do.

Heather: Are these women your guides to who you are now? And am I one of those?

ME: Yes.

Heather: Then you need to believe me now. How can you say that the things that happened to Cassie was not her fault and not give yourself the same opportunity? You were molested, abused, manipulated, and yet you stood up for others in a way no one was doing. Then you have multiple tragedies with young women? Most of us have a bad breakup. You had one taken away from you and another one die.

That is not normal and that is going to screw you up. And when you are manipulated in the way you were by religion how grounded in reality are you really going to be? You prayed in tongues. They made you believe made up words was god talking. And someone else would speak for god and interpret the incoherent babblings. That is so messed up! They messed you up and here you are writing again and it’s good and you’re good.

Pat. You saved my life! Thank you! Thank you for my dad in my life. Do you have any clue how amazing that is? Do you ever give yourself credit for the things you do for your kid and their friends? You walk around doing amazing things and you think you are less. Because of you I got my dad back and never went back to that woman. I started a new life. A better life. And I give myself credit for everything I do because I matter. Give yourself some credit here, son.

ME: I don’t know what to say. (I was on the edge of tears)

Heather: When are you going to write about {NAME REDACTED}?

ME: What?

Heather: I know your timeline. You’re dancing around her in these stories. Of all of us, she was the woman who undermined that church. And even after Sarah died and they got their teeth into you, her echoes kept you from us losing you forever. When are you going to write about {NAME REDACTED}?

ME: I don’t know.

Heather: Am I right ? The credit you don’t give yourself. The release of shame you need to do. And {NAME REDACTED}.

ME: Yes.

Heather: What’s your favorite dinosaur?

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