Is #metoo necessary? Is there work men should do in response? It the work hard? Yes. And if you do the work it is going to be uncomfortable, but it needs to be done. The work is not for poser wannabe men who are not as punk as Billy Idol. It will take real men to do the real hard work of metoo.
Reminder of What #Metoo Is
I thought everyone knew what metoo was, but I was wrong. So here it is in simple terms.
Metoo is a social movement and campaign against sexual abuse, sexual harassment, and rape culture. The phrase me too is used as a hashtag by (predominately) women to reveal the extent and volume of problems of sexual harassment.
Some women tell their stories with the metoo hashtag and others who cannot say the words simply write #metoo. This movement makes victims feel less alone and encourages others to speak out.
How #Metoo Began in Simple Terms
It was originally invoked in 2006 on Myspace by sex assault survivor and activist Tarana Burke. It became viral on October 15th, 2017 when Alyssa Milano posted the following on Twitter:
“If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote ‘Me too’ as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.”
Other female celebrities followed suit which led millions of women from all over the world to powerfully and poignantly tell their stories.
Why I’m Writing About #Metoo
Because of my readers! In the comments of an article I wrote called, “Why Fem Friday: Powerful Women’s Stories and Struggles” two women made comments about #metoo.
In the comments Jen wrote, “In the first few days of the #MeToo movement I remember seeing post after post just saying Me Too…. No one had to tell their story, but acknowledging they had a story was so powerful. I think it made most of us feel less alone, maybe more willing to step out and tell their stories, or at least feel the start of healing by knowing others were with them. That is what these Fem Friday articles (and the other articles) do. They allow us to look at a snapshot of life or a moment, think about our experiences, memories and errors, and make amends either internally or publicly. You allow us to start the dialogue in our minds and souls, even if not publicly. It matters. Thank you.“
Then Julie posted, “Someone commented on MeToo. I watched that movement start and was so proud of the women who were able to step up and speak out. For very personal reasons, it upsets me every time someone uses “me too” as a punchline. I would be interested in an article in that realm. As a female, I can tell you, more men have been totally destructive to me than women.“
I’ve known both of these women since the 1980’s. Once in the 80’s Jen called me out on sexism hard and relentlessly. She was right. To have her thank me for what I write now meant I grew and she was part of that growth. Julie? I’ve always respected her and admired her and I have been asked because my opinion is valued and that humbles me.
And too many men that I know who are self professed liberal progressives are assholes and still in the locker room because they never did the work I did and still do. Women’s lives and safety are on the line if we do not listen and do the work and burn the locker room in our hearts.
Sometimes I Got it Right
In our ongoing Fem Friday Feature articles I sometimes tell the stories of women I knew in the 80s and the 90s who influenced my respect and admiration of women.
The first one was Heather! My senior year of high school I was showing Heather how to make prints in my darkroom. She initiated intimate contact and I followed suit. Then she changed her mind in panic and left the darkroom. I followed her out and kept a safe space from her and made sure my hands were held out to my sides to show I was not going to do anything. When she told me she was still a virgin and not ready I assured her this was okay.
I got it right that day. And when you read #metoo you will find out that too many men don’t allow that change of mind and will take the woman anyway. That is rape.
The second time I got it right in Fem Friday was with Cassie! I had offered to take pictures of Cassie for free. Due to a horrible miscommunication she thought the free pictures meant that we had to have sex. I came into my room to take her photos and she was naked in my bed and looked scared out of her mind, but resigned to her fate.
This had happened to her before. She had been raped more than once. One time was by a married man with a daughter. Again, I kept a distance and was deliberate in looking at her eyes and not her body in a sheet as I assured her that nothing was happening and she was safe. I only moved closer and held her hand for comfort when she initiated it.
I got it right that day. And when you read #metoo you will find out that too many men will take the woman anyway. That is rape.
There were other days I got it wrong and I had to do work in 2017.
Sometimes I Got It Wrong
The same semester I met Heather, a friend of mine and I went to Sun Prairie, Wisconsin. We had a friend from our high school that moved there and we visited sometimes. We were the exciting out of town guys from Chicago in their small town. Some girls liked that. My friend and I had guest passes to attend the school that day and we had made a wager as to who could “suck face” with a girl first.
In the second class of the day I sat behind a girl named Cathy. She was a short blonde with curled hair in blue jeans and a grey sweatshirt folded inside out. The teacher had a pop quiz on literature and I could tell Cathy was struggling with the test. So I fed her answers. Postcolonial literary theory was a walk in the park for me.
After class she thanked me in the hallway and I was struck by her blue eyes and sweet nature.
Towards the end of the school day I decided to wander the halls instead of attend a class. A hall monitor spotted me and I ducked into the band room to evade capture. Cathy was there grading papers as a student aid. It was just the two of us and we talked for a bit. I told her I was in town for a few days and asked her for her phone number. She wrote it down on a slip of paper.
As she handed me the slip of paper I did what I saw in movies and tv shows. I pulled her close to me and kissed her. When the kiss ended she looked at me and said, “That was sneaky.” I told her I would call her tonight and left as the final bell rang. I was elated!
When I met my friend by my car and told him I kissed Cathy and collected my winnings. I won the bet.
As the day went on I felt less and less okay with it. I did call her that night and the first thing I did was apologize. There was a pause and she said, “Thank you, but I hope we get to do more.” Inside I exhaled as we planned our first date. She wanted me to kiss her. I got lucky that day. I did not hurt anyone and I could have.
But what if she hadn’t wanted to be kissed? What would have that done to her? How violated would she have felt? What if she had ever known she was initially the object of a wager and discussed in a friend’s bedroom among 5 teenage boys shortly before I called her? Would she still want to date me whenever I was in town?
What I could have done to her and how I could have hurt her haunted me when I did the work of #metoo.
Getting it Wrong After #Metoo
When #metoo started becoming viral in 2017, the same person I had a wager with in the 80’s made a post in social media asking men to shut up and listen to the #metoo stories. I did.
Reading the hashtag and the stories that went along with it was sobering, but it was not sobering enough.
I was engaged to a woman in 2017 and she was living with me at the time. One night I came home from work and she gave me a letter and asked me to read it. I sat in the bedroom and read it as she watched me. She was barely holding her tears in. In the letter she told me that there were times she felt the expectation for sex on her in our relationship and cited examples where we would be out on a date and she would make suggestions that things would get spicy later in the night, but something changed in her mood because of things that had nothing to do with me but her own depression or anxiety about life. And instead of asking about what was going on in her life I pouted about not getting laid.
She wrote how much this hurt and how scared she was to say it and she hoped I would read this letter and take it to heart. Because sometimes she “let me” and that was not what she wanted from us and from me. In this moment she needed me to know that she loved me and she needed me to hear her and change.
I heard her. I held her. She cried. For the rest of our relationship everything was consent driven. It went beyond the bedroom and into everything. If one of us was not feeling the movie we planned to see or the dinner we were going to have, that person had a voice and the other had to listen.
Other things would lead to the end of our love story, but that part we got right because I listened to her.
That was where the work started.
The Work and the Questions
One night my then fiancé was out of town with her mom. I decided to take stock of myself and my role. Am I really awesome to women or is there work to be done and things to look at? I asked myself hard questions.
Have I ever used alcohol as a lubricant? Was guilt or social pressure ever used to get what I wanted from a woman? Did I ever lie to get laid? Has there ever been any form of manipulation or coercion in even the most innocuous of ways to get what I wanted? Did I ever think I deserved sex for something I did? How many other women “let me”? Did I ever brag to other men about a woman I slept with? Have I ever reduced a woman to a mere object of desire that robbed her of her personhood?
As I took an honest look into the answers to the questions I asked myself I did not like some of the answers. Especially the ones where the answer was I don’t know.
I called my fiancé with my newly discovered confessions. What she told me caught me off guard. She told that she was proud of me. I asked her to unpack that for me. She told me what I said yes to are things most, if not all, men have done in life. What is different about me is that I asked the questions. She asked me about the questions that I said no to. She told me how other man did those things to her I did not do and I have to give myself credit for those things while being aware of the things I need to stop doing.
I set fire to the locker-room in my heart and let the fucking thing burn. But it is not just a one off. As a man you have to keep asking the questions because over the years I have found there are more layers to the toxic shit we were taught to either believe or ignore.
The truth is most progressive men have not done this hard work. They pat themselves on the back for never having raped a women in a back alley or a parking garage never realizing that most of the metoo stories are not about violent gang rapes like a macabre recreation of “that scene” in The Accused with Jodie Foster.
The truth of #metoo is that it is a part of culture and our upbringing. As a man, I am a victim of toxic misogyny, but along the way I have made victims. This is what is different from a man in metoo and a woman. We make victims out of women and raise and mentor boys as they become men.
We aren’t doing the work and women are suffering because of it generation after generation.
Another Billy F**king Idol Cameo!
In 2014 Billy Idol wrote an autobiography called, “Dancing With Myself”. In the book he speaks about his admiration and respect of Siouxie Sioux. Their friendship in the early London punk scene led Billy to admire her demand for respect for herself and other women.
Billy Idol, like me, had been doing the work continually and asking the important questions knowing the journey is never complete. In interviews he often speaks about how being a dad to a daughter led him to reflect on his views on women. When he became a grandfather even more reflections about his views of women continued.
Billy Idol has reflected this is some songs he’s written over the last few years.
In one song, “Baby Put Your Clothes Back On” , Billy tells the girl in the song that he doesn’t want her to feel the weight of expectations. He really likes her and does not want to screw this up and when the time is right on another night, they will have sex. He reinforces that she has done nothing wrong. Billy Idol is more fucking punk in this moment than any incel sexist punk poser can ever dream of. He’s more man than any progressive guy patting himself on the back for being amazing while not doing the work.
But there is another song that takes an even deeper dive. It is called “Rita Hayworth”. The song is about the casting couch and the pressure slimy producers and men in power put on your women leaving them with no option but to fuck if they want a career. It is his response to metoo and it is very real in what happens every day.
In a 2021 interview in Billboard, Billy Idol speaks to his feelings on metoo.
“My daughter is pregnant with another baby girl right now. I’m thinking about the future for them. I’m glad this is going on because I want them to be protected.”
Then he is challenged about the song and video “Cradle of Love” as being problematic. Billy was having none of that. He gave an important answer.
“Well, it’s still a lot of fun when girls are allowed to enjoy the way they are. I don’t see anything wrong with that. It’s more that men have got to realize that we cannot curtail women’s freedoms.”
So to sum up Billy Idol’s example. Listen to women, learn from them, keep doing the work, speak out, and celebrate women’s freedoms with delight.
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