This is not the follow up piece to the Miami Vice Episode Eerily Relevant Now article I expected to write. But what do we do when heroes or friends are accused and who can be a predator?
Neil Gaiman is the author of many works. Gen X Comic fans most likely discovered him in the late 80’s with the Sandman Graphic Novel series. Others may recognize him from his other works like Good Omens, American Gods, or even the children’s novella Coraline. In the Summer of 2024 a six episode series from Tortoise Media called The Master: The Allegations Against Neil Gaiman released. In it, five women accused him of unwanted sexual behavior, some of it alleged to be violent in nature. Then, this last Monday, more women came forward in a New York Magazine cover story.
Gaiman has denied the charges and hired the services of crisis management firm Edendale Strategies and lawyer Andrew Brettle. This is the same lawyer who has represented convicted rapist Danny Masterson and Prince Andrew.
Parallels
If you listen the podcasts and the New York Times piece you will find some parallels to the piece I wrote on Monday unpacking the Miami Vice episode Bought and Paid For. There was a police investigation that was dropped for unknown reasons, there may have been money offered for silence, and there is a powerful man who is a well respected god among men in the community and normal women.
Personal
I first heard about this from a post by JKRowling. As the parent of a transgender young adult and advocate for other youth who are already vulnerable and have been hurt by her continued statements on social media I did not give it much credence. If you believe trans women to be women you may end up on her bad side in the public forum of X.
Later that same night two women who I know and trust were talking about how upset they were about these accusation. I told them it was just a tweet from JKR which is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. It was then that I learned there was more…a lot more.
One of my favorite fictional characters every created is Death from the Sandman series. His graphic novel Death: The High Cost of Living. In 1993 seeing a revision of Death to be a perky teenage girl who spends a day as a mortal and helps a suicidal young man find reason to live while wearing an Ankh (Egyptian symbol of Life) tugged at my heartstrings and still stays with me to this day.
From there I was on a road to discovery over the decades with Good Omens and American Gods being books that I not only enjoy, but are (and I know this will sound strange to some who do not love books) friends. These works comfort me and are a part of me when I go through a rough stretch and need a grilled cheese sandwich and a good book.
I do not want any of this to be true. I want the allegations to be false.
And this is where honesty gets hard.
Politics of Predatory
We have become a polarized political landscape. The manipulations of social media along with the general public being lazy in how they consume news have become a part of that, and issues that should transpire political affiliation are not treated equally.
On my side of the political spectrum we take glee when a conservative who speaks ill of women is caught in a scandal involving accusations of sexual assault and we use the same logic of defense “they” use when it is someone who is a social progressive who speaks well of women.
End of the day, if we are a fan of the person, it cannot be true, can it? These women must be lying, right?
It is only ministers and conservatives who rape and are sexist, right?
No. The truth is wherever there are powerful and popular men held in high esteem, there is a risk.
Progressive Whispers
Between 2006 and 2013 I went through a painful evolution and return to my original values I held in the 80s. The deconstruction from a conservative Christian evangelical to the social progressive I am today (and was prior to the church manipulating me) was not an easy one, but I am grateful for the liminal space that got me here.
By 2010 I was a progressive minister and speaking in various cities in the US. As such I got to know writers and speakers in the progressive Christian network. During that inside track period of my life, I earned the trust of women who invited me into their whisper network. They felt I was authentic and saw me making friends with people who had hurt them.
I believed them and backed away from those people and I am ever grateful that I did so. I was at a convention near Nashville in 2011 as one of the presenters at the gathering. There were women in attendance I knew who felt unsafe. I made the villa I rented a safe space for them to gather giving control of the keys to two women to use as will as a refuge for themselves and others.
There was one night we had a party called 151 at the 151. I had gotten ahold of some 151 proof moonshine and my villa number was 151. Coordinating with other people we intentionally made sure the party had safeguards in place. None of the men who were in the whisper network attended, but they did have their own gathering in a hotel room that night. The people at 151 at the 151 were safe, one woman at the hotel room that came to me in tears later was not.
The point of this is that we need to step away from our conservative and liberal views, lazy confirmation bias, and meme culture without vetting journalistic sources and know that sexual assault and misogyny is not the prevue of one party, religion, or even gender. It happens everywhere and exists everywhere in the western world.
Powerful Drug of Respect
In the wake of the release of my first novel, Nightmoves: An Ex Preachers Journey to Hell in a Taxi, the attention of women who enjoyed the book was like a drug. The same was true every time I was at an art gallery with my work on display. To feel attractive and admired is a rush and it is not something everyone gets to experience.
But in that path there are also men who claim that you are one of them now and they invite you into their dark world of power. I would not even classify where I was at as a C-Lister, but it was enough of a spotlight where the ones who are whispered about in the whisper network see you as worthy for their world.
Men who claim to be feminists have to humble allies and never get too full of themselves. I recently had a progressive influencer say something chilling to me in a conversation, “Being a male feminist is a great way to get laid.” It made me wonder about his path and I dissociated myself from him.
The Path Less Chosen
When the me too movement started to take hold on social media, a friend who I respected told me to shut up and listen and say nothing. I took his advice to heart. Metoo hashtag after metoo hashtag moved me, infuriated me, and upset me. Enter the path less chosen.
I did some introspection during this period. I asked myself some difficult questions that I do not think enough men ask themselves.
Have I ever used alcohol as a social lubricant to get what I want from a woman? Has there ever been a time I lied to get laid? Did I ever beg or bargain to gain favor from a woman? Have I seen a woman not as a person, but as an object? If the answer to any of these is yes, what does that mean?
This is an ongoing process that can never stop. I was foolish to believe it was a one off journey like a survey, it is not.
Permission and I Let You
I was engaged to be married once. One night, after we had sex I spoke of how great it was. We had been in the relationship for almost two years at this point. She seemed distant and I asked her what was wrong as I felt the dopamine rush of our recent encounter. She said, “I let you.” The world stopped. She had told me that she got tired of my whining and level of expectation and let me just so she would not have to deal with it anymore. I felt like shit and an asshole. Rightfully so.
This led to her writing me a letter explaining in detail her life story of being a victim of sexual assault and the pressures she has felt. And sometimes when we are out she may get “dirty flirty” but something may happen…completely unrelated to me….that changes the mood. She needed that to be okay and I needed to understand because she loved me and she wanted this to be different and to be free of that.
Consent does not always mean desire. We had a deeper discussion on what a relationship looks like where both parties get to express and ensure that they are on the same page before having sex, making love, fucking, or whatever else you wish to call it. And that is what we did for the rest of our relationship and I have done in all encounters since then.
Here is the rub in that. Not only was the sex and intimacy so much better, but I also learned something about myself. I am not always in the mood either and I have sometimes “let her”. But my male upbringing did not have the self awareness to allow myself to feel that sometimes you just are not there, or just want to be held, or continue reading your book.
Some potential partners have told me that it is not romantic or as exciting and they do not like that. But if someone I was cohabitating with in a committed relationship “let me”, how many other women have? How many women “let” men just to stop hearing us whine like little kids who did not get candy after dinner or a toy while grocery shopping with mom?
This is the road I am on and the questions I have faced and I wish more men would take that road. We cannot pat ourselves on the back for not having raped a woman in a dark alley and not do the introspection on the beliefs we have adopted in society, our parents, our friends, and the locker room.
And as I wrote in my article on locker rooms, we also need to stop being silent witnesses and have the moral fortitude to stand up.
Men have to take this road and few will. When you gaze into the mirror this closely, every flaw, scar, and blemish is visible and you have to face it and either do something about it or do nothing willfully, but you can no longer ignore it.
Profound Opportunity or More of the Same
Traditionally when stories like this are in the front page, we double down on our confirmation bias and throw each other under the bus. Nuanced conversations are lost. Sometimes celebrities are found to be guilty of the charges regardless of what a court says, sometimes they are found to have not been the villain, and other times everything is so fuzzy that the only people who will ever know the truth are the people who were there.
But something even more profound will happen and there is an opportunity. People who have been victims will come out and speak out about the things that happened to them. In the wake of our piece last Monday, I have received private messages of women (and one man) who trusted me with their stories of the days they were harmed, felt helpless, and did not stand a chance for justice in the wake of power.
This is the most important part of the story. This is where we can make the most difference in the midst of this and other stories like it.
We have to educate ourselves and do better.
RAINN has a comprehensive guideline at https://rainn.org/TALK. Here are the bullet points in case you choose not to click the link (which is a choice):
Thank them for telling you!
Ask how you can help!
Listen without Judgement!
Keep supporting!
In the near future we will be featuring an interview with an advocate who speaks at schools and other spaces with an organization in the Chicago area for more real world tips that matter now. Please click the RAINN Link to learn more. We need to change the system, but while we do, there will likely be over 463,000 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault this year in the US. They need us to know how to help them before they end up like Odette…a victim of suicide.
Stay Totally Awesome!
Stay True to You!
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