Raise a glass to former lead singer of The Cranberries, Dolores O’Riordan this St Patrick’s Day!
In the article is an award winning photograph I did with a model shortly after Dolores’ passing and remains one of my best selling pieces at art shows I present at. It was a labor of love and honor to share on this day that I write about her.
There will be little nostalgia here. There will also be a breaking of character. This is personal and consider this your content advisory about traumatic things.
Why Dolores O’Riordan Mattered
Irish music journalist Dave Fanning called O’Riordan’s music “something that was for people who weren’t really into the kind of noise or the torn jeans of grunge. They just wanted some music that would be a soundtrack to them growing up between the ages of about sixteen and twenty-one, and the Cranberries were one of the few bands giving them something that was pure pop, that was quite heavenly.”
She did not hide her Irish accent in her music. She leaned into it and the Celtic tradition of laments for the dead as evidenced profoundly in the Cranberries hit song, Zombie.
Like me she was an adult survivor of child sexual abuse and molestation. Dolores also openly suffered from what she described as dark depression resulting from her bipolar diagnosis. She was also dealing with severe chronic back pain.
Dolores did not hide her demons. She spoke openly on the things that hurt. And in that, she spoke to me. As a Gen Xer who did not like grunge but longed for something honest, she delivered.
Empty, Disappointment, Linger, Dreams, Promises, No Need to Argue Anymore, When You’re Gone, and her solo effort, Apple of My Eye, all were not just melancholy, they were honest and spoke to anyone who truly understood the throes of depression and addiction.
Losing Her
On January 15 of 2018, Dolores O’Riordan was found dead in a hotel room. When it first happened there was a lot of gossip and speculation about the cause of death. Many assumed it was suicide due to her speaking about her depression openly and a prior attempt. When you speak about these things, people define you as weak and not strong. People can be ignorant.
On September 6th of the same year, BBC News reported the coroner ruled it an alcohol related accidental drowning. The ignorant were wrong about her. But her death was tragic.
She was found with her nose and mouth submerged in a bathtub. There were no signs of struggle, foul play or self harm. There was an empty bottle of champagne and five small bottles of other alcohol present in the room. Additionally, there was also prescription medication found in her room.
Toxicology revealed that she had taken the “therapeutic amount” of the medications. This means she did not exceed the recommended dosage. The toxicology did discover a “330mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood – meaning she was more than four times over the 80mg legal limit for driving.”
It was also revealed that we she went through phases of abstaining from alcohol and phases where she would drink excessively. At the time she was also reported to be in good spirits and responding well to her treatment for be bi-polar disorder.
End of the day, this was a tragic accident that could have happened to anyone. Injuries and death from hot tub use or bathing while intoxicated is more common than many people think.
For me? I lost a hero that sometimes kept me alive even when I did not want to be alive.
Less than 2 years after her death my life would spiral out of control as I lay on my bedroom door with a bottle of Fireball by my side. I deliberately overdosed in one helluva suicide attempt that almost worked. In that moment it felt a better option than facing the past and being honest about my present.
Dolores’ Thoughts
People Magazine reported the following from an mash up of interviews.
Additionally, she opened up to the outlet [Belfast Telegraph] about her struggles with substance abuse. “I am pretty good but sometimes I hit the bottle,” she said. “Everything is way worse the next morning. I have a bad day when I have bad memories and I can’t control them and I hit the bottle. I kind of binge drink. That is kind of my biggest flaw at the moment.”
“On tour, it was just so easy to say ‘I can’t sleep. I’ve had a couple of drinks. Maybe I’ll take one,’” she added to the Mirror UK. “Then you take another. Then you don’t wake up. That can happen. I am careful now.”
What Now?
Dolores O’Riordan was a beautiful person who loved her family, her children, and music. Her trademark song, Zombie, was a cry of anger over the injustice of dead children in a terrorist bombing in the midst of a divided Ireland. Another amazing song she wrote was ‘Salvation’ in which she implored others to not do heroin or cocaine because it is not what it seems and is not a road to freedom. So much of her music and her spirit was taking that hard road to beauty, justice, freedom and hope.
The thing is, the most tortured of souls are often the ones who know the true value of beauty and of love.
In the wake of fatal event of celebrities who share common human frailty with the rest of us, we turn them into objects for self righteous PSA’s and reduce their humanity.
With my name, it should come as no shock that there is a bit of the Irish in me. The Irish, similar to the New Orleans Jazz Funeral tradition, will celebrate death. It is not only the end of pain, but it is the recognition of the wonder that a person’s life was.
I will not reduce her to a PSA, but instead speak to her inspiration, celebrate her inspiring fearlessness, and be grateful that for her there is no need to argue anymore.
Transparency
I speak openly about my sexual molestation here. I am also open about recurrent depression, trauma, and the struggle with suicidal thoughts.
There have been times in my life where binge drinking and self medication had a role because I could not handle the memories and thoughts in my head. There have been some distinct points in my life where I binge drank. It was not uncommon to self medicate to the tune of more than a bottle of wine with copious amounts of scotch or whiskey. I look back at those periods in my life and am grateful that nothing more tragic than waking up in a strange setting, pondering blackouts, and almost losing everything was the worst of it.
The Judgement That Enforces Silence
We hide our mental illnesses and conditions in ways no one hides getting a flu bug or being diabetic. We all know that people will get the flu more than once in their lives and there is no cure for diabetes. The same is true of depression and bipolar disorder and so many other things. But if you admit to having or having had depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, suicidal thoughts, self medication, or any other such thing that either may happen again or has no cure, people think less of you.
I speak about it openly because I want others to know that they have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame should be on those who think your struggle is weakness.
Since my attempt in November of 2019, I’ve been open about my past and my present. I’ve been working my ass off and fighting for my life and a better me. My family and my therapist recognize my progress and congratulate me. My closest handful of friends do as well. I cannot do anything about those who define me by their perceptions of the man who did not face his shit head on as I do now. To some I can say to hell with you. For others I wish I could say, I get it. I understand. I just wish you knew me now. And I wish you well. And I miss you.
Dolores O’Riordan Was a Hero
Dolores O’Riordan was a hero. Her mental and emotional struggles were not a weakness. They were nothing to be ashamed of. When you seek treatment you are far more self aware than those who judge emotional health and addiction. That self awareness also creates a broader awareness of the world and the possibilities of beauty. That beauty can express itself through music, art, poetry, and acts of justice and of strength.
Celebrate her life and the lives of others we have lost in the fullest beauty you can. Listen to her music. Celebrate who you are and love those around you who have struggles with things beyond their control.
Dolores O’Riordan is a hero to be celebrated, not a PSA to be reduced. Neither are you.
Stay Totally Awesome!
Stay True to You!
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