Cleaning House With Joe Jackson While Being a Real Man

Did Joe Jackson know that not everything is Night and Day? Do we need to ask who the Real Men are? Is it time to keep a promise and make a confession as Editor-in-Chief of Gen X Watch? Yeah.

In 1982 Joe Jackson released an album called Night and Day. It was a tribute album to the wit of Cole Porter as well as a loving dedication to New York City.

The album charted strong the US, Canada, UK, Australia and many other places. Most people remember the Grammy award winning Stepping Out and Breaking Us in Two. But in the midst of this album was a complex song that did not get much play in the US but did capture me in 1983 and 1984. The song was Real Men and it left us with more questions than answers.

In the song Joe Jackson asks who the real men are. Though he does not give us conclusions, the questions and thoughts in the song are profound and still need to be asked.

One statement he makes stuck out to me at the age of 13. “Now it’s all changed, it’s got to change more.” He also critiques making fun of gay men, racism, and men who do not treat women well.

While he poses the question as to who the real men are and challenges some of the worst traits of toxic masculinity he never answers the question. Knowing that Joe Jackson is fluid in his sexuality and this song was written at a time where he was dealing with his sexuality at a time when being gay was illegal in many places and a career killer adds some nuance to this.

Jackson also was an inspiration to women in some of his songs. So much so that an all female artist tribute album of his songs was released in 2004.

The music video on MTV was where I discovered the song. The visuals of the story caught me more than the lyrics.

It starts with a young girl being bullied by 3 boys with a slingshot. Another boy comes over to help her while she sits crying and nursing a hurt leg. They become friends and watch TV together. While watching the shows together they see images of Humphrey Bogart and John Wayne being heroic with close ups of the young boy’s eyes.

Years go by and the boy and the girl are together in his convertible. They see two men showing affection to each other. Moments after this he tries to kiss the girl and she rejects the pass. He drops her off at a diner where he sees her through the diner window with friends and a man who appears may be a romantic interest.

The young man drives off angrily and you see him pounding beers while speeding. He loses control of the car and drives off a cliff to his death.

Was his advance on her driven by the movie heroes? Was there desire and longing he felt when he saw the two men together? Could it have been a desire to be with a man and shame led him to make the advance on her? Or just seeing a couple together led to him to make the move on her?

The most popular articles at Gen X Watch are the feminist driven Friday Articles that celebrate not just famous women who changed culture, but women that I knew personally who affected me. In those articles I am a protagonist, but not always the hero. The added layer of vulnerability was unexpected but I am rolling with it. The accidental memoir in an anthem about powerful women seem to coexist in this series.

I am grateful to Joe Jackson, the song, and the video. It stuck with me over the years on some level and I recently rediscovered it. Even now in my 50’s I am still trying to figure out what it means to be a man. As a father and a partner I have gotten it right and I have gotten it so very wrong.

I have empathy for a lot of young men trapped in the cycle of toxic masculinity because I know the conflicting messages and influences. Television, locker rooms, positive and negative men in my life. I was always caught between two different worlds. The church was the most dangerous world to being a good man and the women in my life that I write about were the counter that kept me from becoming a monster.

Eventually the manipulation of the church, my codependency, and untreated trauma would lead to be going dark as I entered ministry and deepened my relationship with the church. Those voices of my youth would come to life in the wake of the #metoo movement. My child needed a strong father when they came out and the only way to become that man was to face my toxicity, change, and walk away from the systems.

My transition away from conservative evangelical Christianity led to the progressive Christian movement. On paper it was kinder and gentler and socially progressive. In reality, the locker room still existed. It was there I first experienced the whisper network. This is where women warn other women as to which public figures in the convention and speaking circuit I was in are dangerous.

When I left the church and ministry completely in 2013 I listened closely to women speaking out and did some honest introspection.

Have I ever used alcohol as a lubricant? Did I lie to get sex? Was there ever guilt or the weight of expectation used to get what I want? Have I judged women on a different standard than I did men? So many other questions. The answers were not answers I am proud of or comfortable with. But it was only when I answered the questions that I could take the steps to do better and to be better.

I feel that most progressive men pat themselves on the back for not having raped a woman in a dark ally, but without honest reflection, they do not know how messed up they are. Or they know and do not give a fuck. Individual results may vary.

The most popular article in Gen X Watch about powerful women by a landslide is “Joan Jett’s Bad Reputation for a New Generation“. In the end of the article I make a woman named Sarah a promise that I would not treat women poorly. I have made my child and others a promise that I would not be silent in the face of racism, sexism, homophobia, and rape culture. I have broken all of those promises in my life. But I get back up and keep going. Building courage is a process and you do not get it right all the time.

As you build that courage muscle, things that used to trip you up are easy things to overcome. A few weeks ago I was silent in the locker room and it is haunting me. The locker room is normally easy for me to call out. Before I publish the third installment about a woman I dated in the 80’s, I need to do the right thing.

I am not going to name the person for 3 reasons.

One! It is my hope that the person will read this, do some honest reflection, and change.

Two! When I have spoken out against progressive ministers and high profile progressive atheists they have come after me and my family hard. Every time. You want to know why women and victims of sexual assault are silent? That is why. The powerful will come after you and hurt you worse than they did the first time.

Three! I am not completely silent when I am silent. If there is a potential threat that I am aware of, I am a man who is trusted in the whisper network. It is an honor and a responsibility I take seriously and the trust is not taken lightly.

A few weeks ago one of the few ministers I am still in contact with from my days in the progressive church celebrity wannabe tour circuit and I had a conversation about our mutual projects we are currently working on. This is someone I have looked up to for more than a decade and to have him recognize my work meant the world to me.

He took the role of mentor and suggested I turn over my writing of the feminist Friday articles to a woman. I pushed back and said that I am a feminist and men need to speak out as allies to women and in my speaking out I am careful not to mansplain to women. As the conversation continued he said,

“That’s a great response. And being a feminist guy gets you laid!!!”

I said nothing in reply to that statement. It was wrong not to stand up and it has haunted me for weeks now. I believe that silence is complicity and in that moment I was silent and complicit.

What he said not okay. It was sexist and dangerous. Especially dangerous considering he has an audience and a platform and has had one for decades in one form another. Because he used to be a hero, it is my hope that he will, in his language, repent and be better. But in the meantime, silence was complicity. I let him down, women down, and myself down. I own that.

To my readers and my Patreons I need you to know this. I will always own my mistakes and I will never stop asking the hard questions. But I will also fuck up.

I do not have a firm answer as to what a man is and who the real men are. The definition has changed, but it has to change more. The other day Tawn, the creator of Tawnlandia I wrote about in last Sunday’s Showcase, and I were talking about our upcoming collaboration while testing video and audio equipment.

We have known each other for decades and know many of the same people. Some of those people knew me when I was a toxic Christian. I made it clear to her that if she ever heard anything I may have said or done in that time, it was likely true or had truth to it. We spoke for hours about my evolution and the factors of change for the worse and for the better.

I respect her and wanted her to know the whole story. Most of you only see the visible part of the iceberg. She deserves that. Many women write supportive public and private messages in response to the Friday articles. I am still learning how to accept their accolades while still growing.

This is out of step with the rest of our content but I felt I needed to unpack this story before I continue to tell the stories of women who inspired me to be the man I am and continue to become.

I kept my promise, Sarah.

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