Being Pretty in Pink And How Not to Drown

I recently interviewed one of the most popular women we’ve written about in Fem Fridays. You first met Heather in my Madonna Piece, “When Material Girls Make a Rule.” Her essence and mentions of her were in other stories, but more popular than the Fem Fridays is Heather’s interview.

In the interview Heather called me out on many things. In our life together she was my confidant in many things and she knew of all the women in my life among many other events. And she hit me with a truth. From the interview.

Heather: When are you going to write about {NAME REDACTED}?

ME: What?

Heather: I know your timeline. You’re dancing around her in these stories. Of all of us, she was the woman who undermined that church. And even after Sarah died and they got their teeth into you, her echoes kept you from us losing you forever. When are you going to write about {NAME REDACTED}?

ME: I don’t know.

Heather: Am I right ? The credit you don’t give yourself. The release of shame you need to do. And {NAME REDACTED}.

ME: Yes.

In the Gen X Watch Facebook Page I sometimes share retro pictures. In one of them I shared a prom picture of me and a prom date from 1991. Something unexpected happened, the woman in the photo from a prom 33 years ago spoke the unspoken.

“Did you know I made this dress out of a bridesmaid’s gown? Chopped it up, added more satin and tulle, got shoes dyed to match. I suppose it was very Pretty in Pink of me.”

I knew about the shoes. But I did not know about the rest of it and I had to google tulle to even know what that is. All of this is amazing to know and you did a breathtaking job. I’m glad I know about it now, and in a strange way I am glad I didn’t know about then. Why?

Who I was at the time and the swiftly dimming light I had may have made it about me. I may have been moved that you did that for me, not understanding that you did that for you. Older and marginally wiser me now has a better understanding.

Your dress was magnificent and I love that I got to share that prom and the next day with you.

Now it is time to tell you how you taught me how not to drown and almost broke my watch and I am grateful for both!

Lauren Mayberry and her band Chvrches is one of the most underrated acts is music right now. She’s on the list for a future Fem Friday article, but if you don’t know their music, I will use this as a brief intro.

‘How Not To Drown’ with Lauren Mayberry on lead vocals with a special appearance by Robert Smith is one of the best songs I’ve ever heard about depression and anxiety. There are also elements of abuse or exterior oppressive forces in the song.

In a live interview, Lauren had this to say about the song.

“These lyrics are about a time when I just wanted to disappear…I felt like I was in over my head at the deep end and not sure how to get back. But I did get back. And if you’ve felt like that, I hope you find your way back too. “

This song hits me hard about about the season of the personal Fem Fridays that featured women I knew between 1988 and 1991. I was pulled between the lessons these remarkable women were teaching me about life and religious forces that were pulling me under.

You promised the world and brought me it hanging from a string
Stuck it in my mouth, into my throat
Told me to sing
That was the first time I knew
You can’t kill the king
And those who kiss the ring

I didn’t want this life of belief and faith that I was being forced into. But they shoved it down my throat and no matter how hard I tried, I could not kill the king of death and those who kiss the ring of toxic religion had the power.

I will never escape these doubts
I wasn’t dead when they found me
Watch as they pull me down

All the years of trauma have left me with doubts. They will always be with me and that is okay. It is part of the human experience, but they used my hurts and my doubts and fears to pull me down into a faux world of certainty and tried to drown all the beauty.

On what to do after you grew to hate what you used to love
That was the first time I knew
They were out for blood
And they would have your guts

For me I feel how after tragic circumstances the church taught me to hate what I used to love. Women who were equal, my queer friends, photography, art, music, beauty, love, D&D, and myself. They were out for blood wanting to destroy these things inside me and in this very world. They gutted the essence of me to get my fidelity.

Watch as they pull me down
Pulling me down
Dead when they found m
Watch as they pull me down

When Sarah died I was dead inside and they pulled me down and into their world. The church won and love lost. But that was not the end.

And if the words float up to the surface…

I don’t want the crown
You can take it now
You can take it now
Take it now

It did not happen until 2013, but the words inside me made it to the surface. I did not lose consciousness as I drowned for decades. When I did rise from the surface I was able to give them back the crown I did not want. The crown of Pastor Pat fell off the pulpit and tumbled into the wasteland as I gasped in the beauty of life once again.

I kneeled on the shores of life heaving as I vomited decades of the salty taste of death, hate, and despair that almost took out what little was left of me. It would take time for my atrophied spirit to stand on it’s own two feet, but the weeds that gave life had deep roots and the voices of these women were still inside me speaking to me. They nourished the growth and fertilized this broken vessel that just needed a little bit of light at the surface to grow again.

But to not drown, I had to learn how to swim, and that took a special person. She was almost redacted, but some lessons last a lifetime and give you life.

This is a Macro photo of The Watch That Changed The World. It changed my world as it kept not just the time, but some memories. By the 5 O’Clock marker, between the 6 and the 7 markers, and the hands are stains from water and chlorine. I was wearing it the day you taught me how not to drown.

In other words, the night you taught me how to swim.

It was a special getaway and you were excited to learn there was a pool at the resort. When I nervously told you I did not know how to swim, you said you were going to teach me. I was scared to death, but I also wanted this.

What you didn’t know was my fear of my head under the water. My step father once shoved my head in a sink of dirty dish water and held me there until I could no longer hold my breath and I took the dirty water into my lungs. Moments that felt like an eternity later he pulled my head back up and tossed me to the ground to catch my breath.

When we hit the pool and started at the shallow end, the nervousness and the fear turned into excitement. You were a kind teacher and made it fun. Then came the moment that you taught me how to go under the water.

I remember being at the bottom of the pool and opening my eyes as I let some of my breath out. It was delightful to see the bubbles rise to the surface and I felt safe knowing you were there. The sink water lost its power over me in that moment. When I came up you giggled.

“What?” I had asked.

“I’ve never seen you out of control. It’s adorable and cute.”

It was a moment that stuck with me.

But it’s so much more than that.

If the weed analogy given to me by leaders in the church after my friend Sarah died is right about the women who were amazing in my life, you were the dandelion with the strongest roots and the most resilient seeds that can grow in fucking concrete.

I met you shortly after religion got their claws into me deeply. And I kept bumping into you at mini golf courses, Halloween parties, and cast parties for drama geeks. You were a breath of fresh air in what was swiftly becoming a stale life. And I wanted the presence of someone like you because it was where life was. You were authentic and strong and the more I got to know you the more amazing you became.

I enjoyed every moment. Even Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood. As shitty as that movie was, the company was good.

But I had a problem. I was stuck in two worlds and lacked the self awareness and resilience to walk away from that repressive and abusive world I was in. It left me incapable of being fully me, fully present, and honest. And I knew you could see through the bullshit.

There were beautiful moments where I was unguarded like I was at the pool and you liked that guy. And that stuck with me. That I was at my most endearing to others when I was just me and not pretending. Later in life that became an aspiration as I struggled to find the surface.

I wish I had the courage back then to ask if we could take some photos of you in my makeshift studio. And I wish I had introduced you to Norah and some of my other model pals or anything from that world. But I had been sucked away from them and only had my church world and limited resilience.

My camera was an idol before god. So was good music, Dungeons and Dragons, and art.

Dating you was discovery in listening to Depeche Mode, seeing plays, movies, and other forbidden things that normal people do every day without destroying society as we know it.

None of the things I wish I had done would have led into some happily ever after or any weird shit like that. It just would have been nice to have been more authentic and less afraid. You seemed so authentic and it would have been nice to have allowed myself to be that. Because when I was just that, it was always okay with you. That was how you were with everyone in your life. You accepted and appreciated them as they were. That was another swimming lesson as they dragged me down. Acceptance. Thank you for that.

But there were also dark moments. There was horror in your eyes when you realized I was pro life. I would see a look like that again a few months later when I was on the wrong side of an abortion demonstration and my friend Catalina had a look of horror on her face seeing me. It stung and it needed to sting. And without your moment as a baseline, it made it easier to pivot and get my head out of my ass.

In 2011 a teen girl in my church had become pregnant and was in a no win situation. I helped her enforce her reproductive rights accorded her in Illinois. I held space for her from start to finish the day she made the only choice she could in a world where her parents and my religion would not allow that. I will never forget the horrible things they said to her and about her as I walked her through the parking lot and into the clinic. Without you, I cannot say for certain that I would have done right by that young lady.

I not only learned how to swim, I learned how to live under the water and they pulled me down into, but I did not drown and to you I am grateful.

And to this day, I sometimes look at my watch that needed to be repaired after my swimming lesson. The blemishes remind me that I learned how not to drown.

Now I love seeing your life. You have an amazing love story with an wonderful partner. That makes the troubadour and the poet in me very happy to celebrate that beauty. The two of you stand as a shining example of what healthy relationships can look like even in the wake of life’s traumas.

And your child! I only met the kiddo one time at a PRIDE event. There is such a light inside that young person with an infectious smile that can light up a room. That kind of light comes from a life loved, supported, and cherished. And in that smile that is uniquely their own, there are uncanny shadows of you that are remarkable and delightful to see.

Last, but not least, is your personal activism. Using the power of story (your story) to help others not only relate, but find their own stories? That is so inspiring! That is so much more than so many people do and it has an impact that matters. Each story shared sends concentric ripples of change when people like you do what you do.

You have always been and continue to be a bad ass on the right side of wrong!

So thank you for telling me about the dress! I know what tulle is now! On a serious note, it makes a special 2 days a little more special as a wonderful memory with a dear friend.

Say the unsaid. Be grateful for the people in your life. Make sure they know the lessons you taught them that matter.

And if you are drowning because of abuse, neglect, or religion, let someone know. We won’t let you drown.

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Stay Totally Awesome! Stay true to you.