Anniversaries and Conversations We Need

Content Advisory! This is about suicide. We get into the thick of it for this one.

November 11th of 2019. There was a snowstorm. Bad one. Airports were shut down in Chicago. Flights cancelled.

I lay on my bedroom floor that day waiting to die. Next to me was an empty bottle of pills and less than half a bottle of Fireball Whiskey.

It almost worked. After a wellness check someone called in I was rushed to the ER by Ambulance. A day and a half later I would go to the mental health ward of the hospital and start on the rest of my life.

We Need to Talk About Mental Health and Suicide-Really Talk

One of the most distressing things about social media is their responses to criticism and their half assed attempts to make things safer while it continues to become more toxic than our rivers will be after we gut the EPA in this new administration.

Those of us who want to talk about and need to talk about it have to resort to code. Self unalive, Sue E Side, and other terms. There will come a point that the tech billionaires will figure out what we are saying and suppress that speech even more while letting the lowest common denominator of society say sick shit like your body and my choice.

When I say we need to talk about it, I mean we need to talk about it down and dirty and gritty. Not memes with the hotline number yet again or platitudes that you will be there.

The system is broken. My fellow survivors can attest to that.

You call the hotline. You go to the hospital. Then you get out. To what? In short time you get the bills you cannot afford to pay and the hospital sends you to collections. Your financial security ebbs away. You have not been able to afford therapy or meds in months. The people who post memes no longer want to hear it and you see another meme about the fuckin hotline and when you try to talk openly online your post gets struck and the person who says rapey shit and tells you that you should kill yourself is able to post without impunity.

Want Numbers?

According the World Health Organization the current numbers are as follows:

• More than 720,000 people die due to suicide every year.
• Suicide is the third leading cause of death among 15–29-year-olds.
• Seventy-three per cent of global suicides occur in low- and middle-income families.
• For every suicide there are many more people who attempt suicide.

Here’s the Reality of the Mental Health Crisis

The following is just in the USA.

• 1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year
• 1 in 20 U.S. adults experience serious mental illness each year
• 1 in 6 U.S. youth aged 6-17 experience a mental health disorder each year
• 50% of all lifetime mental illness begins by age 14, and 75% by age 24

Now For the Treatment Gap!

• Untreated adults: In 2023, 54.7% of adults with a mental illness did not receive treatment, which is over 28 million people.  
• Mental health professional shortage: In 2021, 28% of the US population lived in an area with a shortage of mental health professionals. Rural areas are particularly affected, with 65% of nonmetropolitan counties having no practicing psychiatrist.  
• Access by location: The prevalence of untreated adults with mental illness varies by state, from 40.6% in Montana to 69.1% in Hawaii.  
• Access by age: Younger generations, such as Millennials and Gen Z, are less confident in their access to mental health resources than older generations.  
• Barriers to care: Barriers to care include a shortage of mental health professionals, low reimbursement rates for providers, and inadequate enforcement of consumer protections.

Money Money Money

According to the National Library of Medicine despite expansions in insurance coverage and legal mandates that health plans include mental health care coverage, out-of-pocket costs remain a major barrier. In 2021, among patients who needed mental health care but who did not receive it, 55% of people with serious mental illness said they could not afford the cost, and an additional 19% and 14% cited inadequate insurance payment and coverage for care as key barriers, respectively. In addition to disparities based on ability to pay are racial and ethnic disparities. In 2021, 52% of White adults with mental illness received any treatment, whereas Black, Hispanic, and Asian adults with mental illness reported treatment rates of 39%, 36%, and 25%, respectively.

We know that families are are going into debt trying to pay for necessity mental health, but we do not have the hard numbers. Why?

“We don’t have real data,” says Patrick Kennedy, a former U.S. congressman and founder of the Kennedy Forum, a mental health advocacy group. Across the board, he says, there’s a lamentable lack of data when it comes to mental illness. “We don’t track this, we have a hodge-podge of reporting that’s not standardized.”

But here is the cycle. Mental health affects employability and debt. Get help. Go broke. Have more mental health stress. Can’t talk about it online. And when you say you need more than a meme with an 800 number people get pissed at you and you should be fuckin grateful that they are helping.

Transparency

I am open about recurrent depression, trauma, and the struggle with suicidal thoughts. My friends and people I never met who struggle thank me often. The ones who don’t struggle with mental health send me messages asking if I am okay or tell me this is too much, or they stop talking to me. This is the same stigma that hinders many who struggle from access to health care, employment, and housing. Stigma from self professed allies doesn’t shock me any longer. But for many, it is the judgement that drives us to silent suffering.

The Judgement That Enforces Silence

We hide our mental illnesses and conditions in ways no one hides getting a flu bug or being diabetic. We all know that people will get the flu more than once in their lives and there is no cure for diabetes. The same is true of depression and bipolar disorder and so many other things. But if you admit to having or having had depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, suicidal thoughts, self medication, or any other such thing that either may happen again or has no cure, people think less of you.

I speak about it openly because I want others to know that they have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame should be on those who think your struggle is weakness.

Since my attempt in November of 2019, I’ve been open about my past and my present. I’ve been working my ass off and fighting for my life and a better me. My family and my therapist recognize my progress and congratulate me. My closest handful of friends do as well. I cannot do anything about those who define me by their perceptions of the man who did not face his shit head on as I do now. To some I can say to hell with you. For others I wish I could say, I get it. I understand. I just wish you knew me now. And I wish you well. And I miss you.

Let’s Talk Hard Talk

We need to talk about it, we need to really talk about it. Some of you need to stop spreading the memes and listen. Listen hard! Read! Learn.

I am no longer hanging on by a thread, but I promise you someone you know is and they are not telling you. Sometimes it is because of internalized shame, but other times it is because they do not see you as safe even though you sent memes.

Today is gonna be hard for me. But I will make it to tomorrow.

I usually get myself a little treat, but I had to buy a new toilet and fix my car this last week so that will not happen, but I will wear the watch I bought last year on Ebay for $75 and know that I am still here and despite the pain of the anniversary, I am grateful to be here today.

If we talk about it, we can help others be in the space I am now. Is it perfect? Nah. But It is good. I am loved and I am here. Life is short. Not sure how much time I have to enjoy it, but for the first time I love me.

If this conversation was uncomfortable for you, that is the point. The system is fucked. We need more than cute memes to fight this. If this conversation was a relief for you because you relate, we are in this together and I love you. I really do.

I am not gonna close this out with the usual PSA and phone number. But if you are standing at the ledge ready to jump, I hope you fight a little longer. Despite how effed everything is, this life is worth living. I am glad I failed that day.

Stay Totally Awesome!

Stay True to You!

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