Are we lonely? How does bullying affect us? And did a young woman ever move past the hurt?
Patreons of Gen X Watch get a weekly vid/podcast. Sometimes we make a short one for the public too. The other day I recorded a video about loneliness and included the story of a date I went out on with a lonely girl. It has been a long time since I have written a Fem Friday, but I felt it important to tell the rest of the story.
Meeting Linh
It was 1988 and I was a senior in high school. I am not sure how I met her, but I met this girl who was also a senior. Linh was from a nearby town to me. I knew some people there from my church, but I met Linh somewhere else.
Though I do not remember how we met, I do remember she was a brunette with light skin and brown eyes with a great smile. I had her phone number. Like me, she had her own telephone line which was rare for teenagers to have.
I had called her a few times and we enjoyed talking to each other. I asked her out. She was reticent and I asked her why. She had said she had never been on a date before. I could not fathom how this was possible. I pressed on.
She asked me why I wanted to go out with her. I told her because I thought she was pretty and I liked talking to her. I liked smart people who could have conversations about real shit.
She was an honor student…a brain. She also was on her school’s track team. But her breadth of knowledge was fascinating.
She asked, “So I’m not exotic or some checkmark on your list?”
“I don’t understand,” I said…because I did not understand.
There was a pause….she agreed to the date and I could hear her smile over the phone. My being clueless worked in my favor for once!
Meeting Mom
We planned out the date. Hanging out at the mall, eat at the food court, and then see Bright Lights Big City starring Michael J Fox. She informed me that her mother wanted me to come to the door and meet her, but her father would be at work. I was half relieved but still dreaded the parent meet.
I pulled to her house near Louis Joliet Mall in Joliet, Illinois. I rang the door bell with my heart in my throat hoping to hell Linh would answer the door. Nope. It was her mother with a stern look asking me if I was Patrick. I said yes and she invited me in and informed me I was to remove my shoes. I did as I was told and spent the next ten minutes of my life being grilled.
After the interrogation Linh was called out to the living room in her mother’s native language. Linh’s mother was Vietnamese and her dad was American. He met Linh’s mom while serving in Vietnam. She smiled at me as she entered.
Her mom said some things to her in Vietnamese and she said some things back and then her mom looked at me and said, “Ten PM! No later!”
“Yes Ma’am.” I said.
The Date
We got to the mall and she told me she was nervous but excited about her first date. I told her that her mom kinda freaked me out. She laughed and said, “You should try living with her!”
When we got to the mall I asked her if she wanted to walk around the mall. She wanted to eat first. I usually did my first dates at more upscale places than the food court, but her parents almost never let her have fast food, so mall court it was!
The conversation over french fries was wonderful. I did not get to do much talking. It was as if she was trying to stuff a whole lifetime of teen stuff into one conversation. She sometimes apologized for talking so much and I told her I was enjoying it and hit her with a question about whatever it was she was talking about before apologizing. Every time I did that it flipped the talk switch back on.
She was fascinating and interested in so many things.
We went to the theater, got pop corn and sodas, and saw the movie. During the movie I caught her looking over at me a few times because I was sneaking glances at her. I had to wait for the movie to come out in VHS to know what it was about. I was too busy having a good time.
Milkshakes With Bullies
After the movie was over we walked out to the parking lot. I looked at my watch. It was almost 9. I still had time! I asked her if she wanted dessert. She said she didn’t want to get sick. I asked her if she liked coffee, she said no.
“Milkshake?” I asked.
She smiled and said she would love a milkshake.
I knew a family restaurant in between the mall and her house. I took her there. We sat down in a booth and a waiter came over and we ordered milkshakes! Then it happened.
From a nearby large booth it started. Her bullies were there. They started crude comments about her name with a chant that was horrible and they made fun of her eyes by pulling theirs to exaggerated slits. She became one with the booth. I asked her if she wanted me to do something about them.
“Can we just go?” She said her voice cracking. I told her I would settle up with the waiter. She stood just outside the door. The waiter was gathering a tray of drinks. I spoke to him.
“Sir, those girls over there are making fun of my date. We’re gonna leave. What do I owe you?”
He looked at me and said, “I heard them. It’s Plainfield. I hate this town. Nothing, man. I’m sorry.”
I handed him a ten dollar bill. He looked at me and asked, “What’s this for?”
“For you,” I said. “Ruin their night.”
I walked out to Linh. As we walked to my car I saw the waiter spill his tray of drinks all over them. It was poetry. Linh saw it too and walked as fast as she could to the car.
I noticed that one of her bullies was a girl from my church youth group in Naperville. She was a speech team and band kid, but also a racist bully.
The rest of the way to her house she said nothing. She looked down and her lower lip quivered. I knew in this moment that she had no friends and she was bullied at school. When we pulled up in her driveway she said bye and bolted for the door.
The Answering Machine and Church
Over the next 4 days I called her 3 times. She had an answering machine and I left her messages telling her I would like to see her again and wanted to talk. The last call I just said, “Hey, I had a really good time with you. This will be the last time I call you and if you never call me that is okay, but if you ever want to call me that is okay too.” Or something like that.
She never called back.
The following week I was in youth group and her bully I recognized came up to me and said, “She’s not even a Christian, Pat!” She was angry with me. I looked at her for a moment and walked away.
College
I was out with some friends a few years later while I was in college. Linh was there and spotted me. She walked over and said hi. We had a lot of small talk. Weather, school, majors, how are you, etc. Then I asked the question that was burning inside me when I saw her.
“Did I say or do anything wrong?”
“No, but I was ashamed and thought you might think they were right and it was humiliating.”
“That wasn’t who I was.”
“But you went to church with that Gretchen girl. The Monday after our date she shoved me into a locker and told me to stay away from you. You don’t know what that’s like.”
I did know what that’s like.
And knowing that I knew how hard it would have been for her to reach out to me, to say yes to another date, I did not dispute her assertion and said I was sorry she endured that. When you are lonely and hurt you keep your head down, your interests private, and try to get through it.
And that does not always end with high school. Does it?
Hearts of Glass Talks About This
My upcoming book, Hearts of Glass Living in the Real World deals with some of this. Being an outcast, lonely, and thinking you have no worth. It is so hard to reach out to others when in your own world full of pain. It is an important thing to discuss and when we are together, we are not alone anymore.
Ford is a traumatized former child model. Cassie is the epitome of DIY punk with a life full of poverty and pain serving smoothies at the Orange Julius. Finally there is Jenny, a young preppy with talent and dreams held back by a society not designed for women like her.
As their lives intersect in the late 1980’s at the Fox Valley Mall in Aurora, Illinois, there will be love, confusion, and dangerous adversaries with wealth and power. Ford, Cassie and Jenny just have each other. Will it be enough? How do they survive as Hearts of Glass Living in the Real World?
By going to the indiegogo, you can not only secure yourself advance copies of the book, special merch, and experiences, but you get to help provide copies to teens that live in shelters and seek resources in community centers. You also provide opportunities for ASL translators at our speaking events about this wonderful book. Go to the link, get your copy, and help others!
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/be-part-of-the-hearts-of-glass-story-and-mission/x/38415051#
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