How to Burn Down the Locker Room and Why

Is the locker room a safe space for men to speak what they truly think? Does the locker room exist wherever two or men are gathered together? Is it necessary to challenge the locker room? How do we do it?

Defining the Locker Room

Locker Room Talk is not in the dictionary, but it is in the Wiktionary. It is a noun. Slang for “a type of boastful, lurid, chauvinistic conversation that commonly takes place in all-male locker rooms, especially such conversation concerning sexual conquests and the like.”

The first instance we see this as an analogy for something larger was in the ’80s. In 1988. Larry Hirschhorn, an expert in the the psychodynamics of organizations wrote a book called, “The Workplace Within: The Psychodynamics of Organizational Life.” This was a textbook published by MIT.

The book’s purpose was to examine the rituals, or social defenses, organizations develop to cope with change. Using studies from offices, factories, and social services, he describes why irrational practices that fragment and injure individuals within the workplace exist, how they operate, and how they can be reshaped to enhance people’s work experience. He uses, for the first time, the idea of the locker room as an idea. “Locker room talk is both sports talk and dirty talk. Men compete with one another (thus the sports talk), but they control the anxieties associated with competition by downgrading the prize they all want—women.”

The idea that locker room talk exists in the work place and other social spaces comes from proven insecurity of men in felt competition to one another. To reduce women to objects is a deflection of that insecurity to a topic they can all agree on, women as objects. But there are other people that are denigrated as well. LGBTQIA+ people, minorities, and others they see as weak they can all punch down on together.

We have seen the locker room dynamic used by a current presidential candidate when he was a presidential candidate in 2016. He used the locker room to diminish and excuse his behaviors when caught bragging about sexual assault of women. He did say the statements were inappropriate, “but it was locker room talk”.

Dangers Outside of the Locker Room

Locker room talk as an analogy is something that happens everywhere men are gathered and insecure. Board rooms, bars, man-caves, and even school cafeterias. Is it just “locker room” talk that has no real implications in the outside world? Are these harmless conversations about women, queer people, and minorities or does this affect the world outside of the private space between men?

We have to understand what neural priming in human frontal cortex is. This is a method in which we learn things. The first time you learn a new concept or skill it is difficult because a new path is being traveled. But the more you get exposed to this concept, the brain creates a path that becomes easier and easier to travel along.

Each time we hear a crass joke, a racist trope, women reduced to lessor beings, and queer quips, the brain is literally being conditioned. The teller of the black joke or queer quip or rape culture crack is reducing the phycological barriers and creates a dangerous new pathway where the brain is more responsive to future racist, sexist, and anti queer comments and begins to normalize them.

Now you carry this inside you unconscious bias. Stereotypes are now a part of you and putting people into crass categories becomes easy. With enough exposure to locker room talk one can become racist, sexist, and queer phobic. It is the sexist who commits sexual assault and domestic violence and it is the racist and transphobe that will commit acts of violence against queer people and minorities.

If you do not resist the locker room talk in your presence at the very least you run the risk of embracing the bystander effect where you do nothing while others are diminished and harmed. At the worst, you become the monster that does harm to others.

In short, this kind of talk affects the “outside” world.

How to Set Fire To Locker Room Talk and Create Better Space

Peer reviewed research has established that locker room talk comes from a space of insecurity and anxiety. Further peer reviewed research has shown that repeated exposure to such talk will change the very pathways of a man’s brain to become something potentially dangerous to women, minorities, queer people, and others.

What do we do when it happens? I have been using some methods for over a decade now that I have found useful. I made a promise to someone that I would not let talk like this go without a challenge and I intend to keep that promise to her. For regular readers, that was a promise I made to a woman I wrote about named Sarah.

Courage and confrontation is like building a muscle. The first trip to the gym to lift weights is not an adventure in bench pressing 300 pounds. You have to start lighter. It is the same with courage when conversations like this happen.

Remember that when you hear it that it is coming from men filled with anxiety and insecurity. They are not alpha or strong. You are strong person with strength of character. If you do not show that strength of character, you could literally become like them or worse.

The baby steps are to not laugh and walk away from the situation. It may not seem like much, but it is an act of early strength and healthy boundaries. You will not be in a room where this kind of talk is present. In many cases silence is complicity. But in this case you are in training. You are learning what makes you uncomfortable and protecting yourself until you are ready to counter the horrific words. You are also protecting your brain from creating dangerous pathways.

Once you get that courage muscle worked out, you are ready for confrontation. And it is really simple.

When I hear an insecure man spewing this harmful talk and I do not know them well I just suck some air between my teeth, shake my head, and say, “I don’t know about that, man.”

It is a simple reaction that let’s them know that this is not okay. This little statement will have an effect on the speaker and often the room.

Want to add more power to this one? Lead in with, “What do you mean by that?” They will have to explain what they think. Regardless of what they say, the follow up of “I don’t know about that, man” will have a little more punch.

We will get to the “it is just a joke” response later.

This one is my main go to and it really takes control as the person spewing the talk is the insecure one psychologically. I am more crass than most so my statement is, “That’s pretty fucked up!” but messed up is fine.

This one is more in your face. It lets them know in “guy talk” that this is not okay. There are a variety of responses people have at this point, but you are not the one on defense when you use this, their words are on defense. In most cases their defenses can usually be followed up by the statement, “That’s weak, man. That is just so weak.” And then walk away. Knowing they are already insecure and competitive of other man, the man who walks away because he is not worth their time will leave a rewiring moment that counters what they have normalized in the room.

Method Three: Direct Verbal Conflict

This is the power move. In my reality, this is what follows the “That’s pretty fucked up, man.”

When you confront someone, you have to have done your homework and know the facts and use those facts.

“1 in 5 women are a victim of sexual assault. How can you even think this is funny? You think rape is okay?”

“1 in 4 women has been a victim of partner violence and stalking and you think that is funny?”

“A queer kid is 4 times more likely to kill themselves than other kids. Is that funny? You think suicide is okay?”

This is one of the most common deflections. At this point they are relying on the others in the room to back them up. This is a moment you can win or lose the room. The response needs to be rehearsed and practiced. Create that neural pathway so it is natural.

“Why do you think (topic-rape, racism, homophobia) is funny?”

“(Topic -rape, racism, homophobia) is not funny. I don’t respect people who think that is funny. Do better. Be better. “

From there you engage fully and richly into a conversation about why it is important for men to allies, to be strong, to be kind, and to be accepting. This is the opportunity to make a strong case that will hopefully change minds, but at the very least will elucidate why what they are saying is wrong in terms that will give them pause before they utter such things again.

Make no mistake, people can change. Between 2006 and 2008 people challenged me on my homophobic ideas. I said some locker room shit that was fucked up and a few people challenged it. By the time I got my head out of my ass everything else was up for grabs. What else was I wrong about? Who else was I wrong about? I’m still learning and challenging myself because of a few brave souls who set fire to the locker room in my heart.

Take Action Now

The time to start this is now. You have to protect yourself from becoming that kind of man now. And the more people that do speak up in this manner, the more others will speak up and the less locker room jokes you will hear.

The sad truth is that most of my interactions is real actual locker rooms are healthy and kind. And when someone does say something fucked up, it is often challenged. The locker room conversation is more likely to happen at work, the bar, or in Jake’s man cave over a few beers.

Simple actions like this can literally make the world safer for women, minorities, immigrants, and LGBTQIA+ people. All you have to do is not laugh along and say something. It sounds scary and at first it was. Now it is easy and second nature because I have created a new neural pathway to not be silent and complicit.

Closing Cautions

The first caution is that none of this works well online. Keyboard courage emboldens people to be cruel. The above advice is for dealing with it in person. Their bravado goes away in person. It amps up online. Online engagement requires more finesse and one day I will speak to it if I ever figure out how to tap dance in that minefield effectively. I’m experimenting with different techniques but do not have solid best practices yet, just a hypothesis or three.

The second caution is the proverbial locker room is not just a space for men. Women and some friends beyond the binary can embrace this shit too. So ladies and friends beyond the binary, be ready for the locker rooms you encounter among peers. Some of your peers say some things that are pretty fucked up too.

Feel free to reach out to me if you need encouragement or advice on this one.

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