Today’s Fem Friday is by reader request. The reader was also a subject of one the Fem Friday features and has appeared in other stories we have told. Today is a conversation with my dear friend, Heather.
Heather was a teenager and Madonna fan who found herself homeless in a Mall when we met. Her crime? Being bisexual and bullied by religious teens from her mom’s church. I was there and tried to help Heather, but not knowing how. I took her to my home and learned of how bad the abuse was at the hands of her mom and step dad.
We would share beautiful and scary moments that night and then find her father the next day. We drove 150 miles where she started a new life with a man she had not seen in a decade.
Her story inspired many readers and led to great discussions in the comments. Many of you wanted to know what happened next and if she was okay. So I reached out to her and she agreed to an interview that was a reader favorite.
Her father recently passed. She asked me for an opportunity for another discussion but she had some conditions I had to agree to. The conditions were as follows:
- This is not an interview, this is a conversation.
- She had freedom after the discussion to insist on portions that she wanted included in the write up, but that allowed me the same freedom to include whatever I wanted into the conversation.
- Nothing is out of bounds or off the table.
- No preparation and no pre planning.
What you are about to read are excepts that were mutually agreed and approved. The actual conversation was over 80 minutes.
The Conversation Begins in Death
Per her request it was an audio only discussion as opposed to video like the the last time.
Patrick: So where do you want to start?
Heather: My dad died a few weeks ago.
Patrick: I’m so sorry.
Heather: So am I. It was sudden. And that makes it feel incomplete. You should get to say goodbye, right?
Patrick: I get that.
Heather: I know. It’s why I wanted to do this. One of your themes is how precious and short life is and I know why. You see the race against time and want to say what you want to say before it runs out. You get it because you’ve lost so many so often. I haven’t. Not like this. Divorce. Breakups. A friend or two has died. But not this. Not him. Shit. I still wake up and forget this is real. I want to text my dad to tell him I need help dealing with his death. I want to say I’m sorry for so much time I didn’t take and not having any more time shouldn’t be the moment I get it and want it. It should have been last month or last year, Pat. Not now. I can’t fix it now. He’s just gone.
Patrick: Heather you can’t…
Heather: Not trying to be a bitch but I have a therapist and a cat. I know and I know you’re right but my heart needs some time to synch with the brain. Let me have my say even if it’s wrong. Okay?
Patrick: Okay. Go on, then.
Heather: I want to reinforce the idea that you’re right. Life is short. You call time a non renewable resource in your writings. And I wasted so much of it and now I have to move on with moments I can’t have. I’m single. I have a cat. I don’t get out much. Honestly, Pat. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been on a real vacation. It’s not like I can’t afford it or have vacation time, I just don’t do it. And your constant reminder is never highlighted, it’s background noise. I want it to be front and center.
Patrick: I’m not sure what to say, Heather. I loved him.
Heather: I know you did and he loved you. Remind me to circle back to that. Here’s what hurts. He always had time for me but I didn’t for him. ‘Hey Pumpkin, when you coming out?’ ‘Think you can make it for Christmas?’. He almost always ended phone calls, facetimes, and text chats with an invitation.
Patrick: How often did you get to Madison?
Heather: (after a long pause) Once a year. Sometimes twice. And when I went I was always glad I did and thought that I should do this more often. He gave his life for me and all he wanted was my time. His husband’s my other dad and they both love me like most of my friends don’t have from parents. But he was daddy. I was surrounded in love and care. They celebrated me! They saved me from my mother and turned a basket case into who I’m now. I don’t know any child that’s had the love I’ve had.
Patrick: What got in the way?
Heather: The illusion of time. Next month. We’ll talk about it later. There’s always more time until there isn’t. What do people our age spend their time on? What should we spend our time on?
Long pause
Heather: This isn’t rhetorical.
Patrick: I don’t know how we spend our time. I haven’t been as socially connected as I used to be.
Heather: Neither do I. For all the talk about the latch key and solitude we also hung out all the time. When did we get so isolated?
Patrick: Marriage and homes in the burbs.
Heather: Okaaaay.
Patrick: I wrote an article about malls and third places. Did you read it?
Heather: I don’t think so. I’m sure dad did. He made print outs of his favorite articles and kept them in a binder.
Patrick: Wow!
Heather: Yeah. We’ll circle back to that. Third places?
Patrick: Ray Oldenburg was an urban sociologist. He felt strongly that a third place was essential to a healthy society and democracy. The first place is home. The second place is work or school. The third place is a gathering space for everyone. A place where you relax in public and see familiar faces and make new acquaintances. When we were teens we had malls and places like the Naperville Riverwalk. When we went to those places there were people of all ages, races and backgrounds. But the burbs are the antithesis of that. We have built fortresses of solitudes with mancaves and she sheds and back decks now have a second living room and kitchen. Walls, fences, entertainment centers, social media, online shopping. Most of our lives is first place and second place and the third place is dying….
Heather: …And so are we. I get it. So how should we spend our time?
Patrick: With intention. I have friends who do not relax or do delightful things because there is a to do list. When is the to do list ever done? It’s always going to be there. It will never be done. Socialization, reflection, rest, delight. These things need to be on our to do list, but they aren’t. We go to work and then go to the fortress of solitude and maybe go on a cruise or a vacay somewhere exotic….
Heather: …And there are free things and places in your backyard that you could go to anytime you want.
Patrick: A little past the back yard, but yes. The riverwalk, the mall, the library, the park and the people are still there. We aren’t. How should we spend our time? In third spaces. Relaxing. And….
Long pause
Heather: And?
Patrick: This isn’t a dig or about you. And make time with those we love and are fond of.
Heather: Not a dig. You’re right. I like your ideas here. I live in 2 places. Not 3. I have tasks and fun isn’t one of them. Love isn’t one of them.
A Father’s Love
Heather: I want to talk about some of the lessons dad gave I’ve been thinking about.
Patrick: You have the floor.
Heather: He’s human. Was human. He got mad and sad and scared. But he always looked for the way through and out. If there was a problem there was a solution. If the solution seemed out of reach he figured it out. When I moved in with him I was a mess. I’d been through hell from my mom and step dad and that church. He knew the solution was safety, love and therapy. The first two were easy. The second one cost money they didn’t have. He figured it out.
Patrick: How?
Heather: They both got part time jobs at a coffee place on State Street. And he knew time with me and time as a couple was important. They got the owner to make the schedule so that there was someone home with me most of the time, but they also had some shifts together so they could be a couple. And no matter what there was always a Saturday or Sunday with no work for anyone. That was the rule. And on that day…oh my god!
Patrick: What?
Heather: And that day off was third places. The mall. Art shows and stuff in Capital Square. The zoo. Olbrich gardens! Pat. Once a week we were in third places! It was part of life.
Patrick: Ha!
Heather: He was so positive. Life wasn’t always easy but there was going to be a way. And if there wasn’t a way, he found a different way. It wasn’t that Brene’ Brown or Tony Robbins crap. There was a plan. Goal. Steps. And the why was love. But it was..and I’m about to quote you. It was love in action, not inaction. But there was another lesson and it goes back to his love for you.
Patrick: Okay. What is it?
Heather: He never gives up on people he feels are worth it. People he loves. He has…had…boundaries. But he saw the good in people. He loved you like a son and so does (husband’s name). When you went into ministry after Sarah died and when you married that…her. I was done with you. You were like the boys who hurt me, the men who hurt Cassie. Sarah’s dad. You were dead to me. But not to dad. He saw Anakin. I saw Darth Vader!
Patrick: I was Vader to you?
Heather: Twisted and evil. More Christian than man. Yep. You were a threat to my family. My dads, me. We were sins. Abominations. But dad would often talk about you. I would tell him about the monster you became. And he’d say, “Pumpkin. Without him there’s no us. A 17 year old boy did that. And he drove from Illinois once a month to make sure you were okay. We owe him our family and he’s coming back someday.” He believed in you and never gave up on you. I stopped loving you. I hated you and you were an afterthought. You betrayed us!
Patrick: I’m sorry.
Heather: It wasn’t about us. It was about you. You had your own hell and abuse. You didn’t have my dads. There was no mentor. You were winging it. The difference between my life and your life. My mental health and your mental health? Resources and support. The church and your marriage was toxic and abusive and you had already been through so much. Everything he did for me he would have done for you in a second. It’s the same with that kid you had living with you for a few years. Chris?
Patrick: Yeah Chris.
Heather: Why is Chris in college, working, in therapy and getting treatment for his health? He had you. I had my dad. You didn’t have my dad or a you. You had abusers, kid. My mom her and husband say that my dads are a threat to family values. All the people in that church do. But look at the difference. Their family values is abuse, the gay agenda in my home was love and healing.
Long Pause
Patrick: No argument there. It’s why I’m fatherman and part of why I do this Gen X Watch thing. It’s important for people from our generation to know they have a choice. No matter what they do it will impact the future generations. If you attack them, you hurt them. You ignore them, you neglect them. And if you support them and listen and help and give a shit, you might save a life and make a difference. Every action, including no action, helps or hurts. I see memes where people our age are still looking for the helpers. Mister Rogers told the kids to look for the helpers while telling parents and authorities to be the helpers. If not us, then we’re all fucked.
Heather: I’m sorry I gave up on you.
Patrick: Look, Heather. Here’s the thing. I don’t live in guilt most of the time. But I know there have been periods in life…hell…even now…where I can be a lot. And in that season of my life, you had a right to feel the way you did and your dad had a right to feel how he did. Both things can be true. You can be hurt and distrustful and your dad could be hopeful.
Heather: But I want to be more like him and less like me. Wow that sounds unhealthy!
Patrick: And a little Linkin Park. How does I aspire to be see the best in people like my dad did sound?
Heather: I like that.
He Loved You
Heather: Pat. He loved you so much.
Patrick: I know. We had a few chats after our interview.
Heather: There is a shelf in his den that is like a little shrine of Pat Green.
Patrick: Okay. Like what?
Heather: Pics of you when you visited. A copy of your book. Some photo books you made a few years ago. The binder with his favorite Gen X columns. Print outs of emails and texts. He did that with emails and texts we had. If he takes pictures of me and his husband or a tree he liked he was at Walgreen’s making prints at those kiosks. Maybe kinkos and Walgreens was his third place?
Patrick: Ha! That’s adorable. But maybe a scrapbook of emails and texts isn’t such a bad idea.
Heather: Yeah, maybe the Boomer photo album scrapbooks isn’t a bad idea.
Patrick: How do you think he chose what to print?
Heather: If it made him happy. You had a nickname when we got back in touch.
Patrick: I’m almost afraid to ask.
Heather: Prodigal son.
Patrick: I love it! But. I don’t know. Considering our past. Feels kinda Game of Thrones.
Heather: He adopted you! This ain’t even Star Wars. We made out a few times in the 80’s. Not a big deal.
Patrick: True.
Heather: Anyway. He loved you so much and he was so happy to have you back in our lives and he really wanted a reunion with all of us together but I…I…god…
*Heather cried for a few moments, composed herself, and continued*
Heather: I was too busy. I never made the time. It was too hard. But when he died I had a plane ticket and a rental car in less than an hour. 7 hours later I was at his house. It was easy.
Patrick: We can still have that reunion. (Other dad’s name) is still here and so am I. I know it wont be the same.
Heather: Well, that’s a perfect transition. We need to talk.
The Offer
Heather: What do I do for a living?
Patrick: PR and some adjunct college stuff.
Heather: Did you know that I was in PR for over a decade for a publisher and also did some content editing?
Patrick: No! That’s cool!
Heather: You need to write your books and you have solid value propositions.
Patrick: I am writing them.
Heather: Your first book, you were an unknown with a small publisher that prior to you only published magazines. 48 reviews on Amazon. Based on a 1 to 1 and a half percent review to purchase ratio that represents 3200 to 4800 units. With no second printing and virtually no marketing budget, that says a lot about you. In Gen X, Patheos, AQ News Atlanta, Nightmoves and some of your other paid columns you have proven more than once you can build an audience. You also have proved you can produce. Anyone who backs this will see that you produce.
Patrick: I never really thought about that.
Heather: I know you already know this, but here is another hook. Your name. In the YA section of any bookstore you will be right after one of the most popular authors in the genre. That gives you eye level attraction which is a sales booster. I’ve read the outline of all three books. You have a clear story arc with compelling characters that will cross generations. That forethought is not something hacks can put out.
Patrick: Thank you and yeah. I know where I stand alphabetically to John.
Heather: You’ve already shown the story has a core audience and you haven’t even written it. I’ve read the comments on Fem Friday. Over 36 thousand reads right now and over 10% of those are just the Fem Friday’s the books are based on. And the comments? Pat! Women have fallen in love with me, Cassie, Sarah, and Norah. They connect with people they never met. You are a great value prop and any shitty PR rep can sell you with what you got here, kid.
Patrick: That means a lot to me.
Heather: But you need help and a little guidance. I can’t rep you, but I can help with that. More immediately, a story editor is a must have for you. Someone who gets the vision and the author. But also someone that doesn’t worship you and will tell you when your shit smells. You know first person and you are about to write in third person intimate with a 3 book story line that all connects. An extra pair of eyes would help if you want it. I need to do this for my dad, for you, and for these women. And for me. I met Cassie and I knew about most of these people and you need someone in your corner who actually delivers. They matter to other women too.
Patrick: I would love that actually. I have been looking for something like this.
Heather: Okay. Since you can’t pay me there’s going to be conditions.
The Deal
Heather: You ready kid?
Patrick: Can you stop calling me that? We’re the same age!
Heather: Okay. First. You need to dial it back a bit on the website. You keep producing but you need to do 2 a week, not three. I understand. You know that time is running out and you want to do and say all the things. But it is going to wipe you out.
Patrick: But the algorithm needs…
Heather: Hell with the algorithm. You’re no use to anyone exhausted. Hear me out. You’ve built a core audience in less than 6 months. You have a small but mighty Patreon support too. Ready for how you will use that extra time?
Patrick: Sure.
Heather: You publish Monday and Friday. The rest of the week you go on the socials as GenX and post on 3 things from other creators a day. Build that love. Visit your Patreons once a week Give them 200-300 words just for them. They fund this. They deserve your time and you cannot give that to them the way you want to right now. You will have more time for the book and the audience. Yeah, there will be an initial dropin readership but you will be producing and building relationships with your core. And for god’s sake you need to take a day off and just have you time!
Patrick: Content is king, Heather!
Heather: If you want to be a social media influencer, sure. But I know you. You want to tell these stories that matter while you have time. But you matter too. If you want more content midweek, I have a plan for that.
Patrick: And what is that?
Heather: Jeremy Ritch is a secret weapon! Encourage him to write more content. Everything he writes is beautiful and he can give you midweek stuff once in awhile it will be something people will look forward to. They will know that if it is midweek it is Jeremy or Tawn.
Patrick: Tawn?
Heather: Tawn! Her Prince article was outstanding and her comments on the articles are something I wish more people read. She is the best of warrior goddess fierce feminism I have seen. I think an occasional piece in your space will give her an outlet that she does not get to have in her project. And more of her will rally women. She won’t write as much as Jeremy, but if you can get her to write to your core, I think it’s a win win for everyone.
Patrick: Anything else?
Heather: Don’t sweat the numbers right now. Focus on the writing. Tell more stories. Let the Monday and Friday pieces be your outlet. The kids got you off the protest line so you could live your life. The world is falling apart and you’ve done your part and have made a difference. Be the storyteller and let the stories make the difference. I don’t have kids but if I did, they would love your books and we both know Gen X and Millennial women and rainbow people love your stories. The Z will love these stories too. So. You in? Am I your story editor?
Patrick: Fuck yeah.
Heather: I know you have housekeeping to do. Get through the mess of issue 2 and the interviews you need to publish. And lets make that 2025 deadline happen. Oh oh oh!
Patrick: What?
Heather: I bet if you ask really nice you can get an artist pal to get you a cover. You deserve that gift. It is not taking advantage of someone, it’s receiving love. I need to talk to your reader’s now.
Final Words
Heather: Hi readers! Tawn, Rhonda, and Jennifer. I love your comments on his articles. You three are like minds in sisterhood! Jennifer. I assume you were one of his Sun Prairie friends. It’s a shame we never met. We were in Shorewood Hills. Angela and Briala. Queer to queer I love you and think you’re beautiful. As a bi woman I know what it feels to even be on the outside of our rainbow community. I see you and love what you say! Pat’s Patreons. Stick with him a little while. I’ll make sure he gets you advanced copies. The rest of you, a share takes a moment. We all complain about news stories we don’t like. From a PR background, you produce what people engage with. We share what we don’t like and more of that gets made. If you like something, share that instead. You can be the Heritage Foundation’s free PR reps or you can help a few bloggers and artists.
Make Fem Friday Yours!
Is there a pop culture icon you want us to (dis)cover for Fem Friday, let us know in the comments. Are you a woman or friend beyond the binary that wants to write a Fem Friday? Let us know in the comments! We want to hear from you!
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